Friendship


FRIENDSHIP

Mario D’Couto

“In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity, we know our friends.”

-          John Churton Collins

Aristotle once said, “The human person is a social animal” and if you’ve watched the movie “Cast Away”, you will know what I am referring to. As humans, we’re all relational beings. We need each other one way or another. To live alone would make us mad or it could lead us to do crazy things. Friendship is what makes life meaningful and yet it is important to cultivate the right kind of friendship for if we were to develop the wrong ones, it would only lead us to our downfall. This article is about how to discern the right kind of friendship and how to sustain it.

The first thing that I would like to highlight is friendship, in the truest sense of the word, is willing the good of the other. Perhaps, the best example I can think of is the friendship between David and Jonathan in the Bible. Finding good friends is like finding gold and when you have them, make sure not to love them. So let’s jump right into it and see what it means to have good friends.

      Perhaps, it is worth asking who is a good friend? What are the characteristics that make a friend a good friend? To answer this, let us look at what makes a bad friend,

Ø  You would be able to spot a bad friend when you see his/her manipulative traits. They usually put “I” before the “WE”. Good friends on the other hand are empathetic. If bad friends are self – centred, good friends are relationship centred and that priority shows itself in the all-important action of empathy. Good friends selflessly act on their empathy for true, genuine love, as mentioned before, is about seeking the good of the other. 

Ø  Bad friends resist freedom instead of encouraging it. Good friends on the other hand accept the other as they are and allow him or her to develop freely. While bad friends may try to put restrictions subtly, good friends are more open. Yet, nonetheless, it does not mean that good friends just tolerate anything. Rather they bring out the best which includes being tough even at the point of confrontation for a good cause.
               
               Bad friends flatter us instead of confronting us. Beware of such people. Such people aren’t loving you enough to tell you when your attitude or behaviour is driving your life over a cliff – even though you desperately need to know it.

Ø  Bad friends condemn instead of forgiving us. As it is written in 1 Corinthians 13:7, “Forgiveness makes it possible for love to ‘bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all thing’”. Good friends who confront and forgive us, love us with a love that helps heal and transform us into the person of God Who intends us to be. God, the ultimate Forgiver, Who openly confronts us and clearly shows us how we wound Him (Ezekiel 6:9)

Ø  Bad friends like dominating. They like maintaining a parent/child relationship rather than treating the other as an equal.  

Ø  Bad friends are unstable over time instead of being consistent. Good friends on the other hand live up to their commitments. They keep promises they make and they say ‘No’ when they can’t make a promise. Their love is abiding, timeless, unchanging, just like its Author (Hebrew 13:8).

Ø  Bad friends are a negative influence rather than a positive one. This does not mean good friends are the most perfect human beings but rather they help us progress toward a Christ – like character by helping us be more loving, more honest and more forgiving. Good friends help us become better human beings when we are around them (Lk 6:43; 1 Co 15:33) and of course, good company builds up our own hearts.

Ø  Bad friends gossip instead of keeping secrets. If you have ever entrusted part of yourself to another and then hear about it from a third party, you have been triangulated. Often, people who do such things, will attempt to justify his/her untrustworthiness by offering excuses such as “It just slipped out” or “It was for your own good”.
     
       Of course, as mentioned, you may not find this 100% in everyone but generally, people who are genuine and are willing to have a genuine friendship will exhibit these qualities to some extent. It is up to you to spot and make a choice. Our friends don’t choose us, we choose them. Besides, the above points are a great source of introspection to see how good are we as friends to others? Do we genuinely care or are we manipulative?

     Assuming you are in a genuine friendship/relationship the next thing is how to sustain it? Sustaining a good friendship involves our contribution into it. So how do we do it? This is what you need to do,

Ø  Understand what you’ve gained
Ø  Learn your friends’ ‘need goals’
Ø  Ask to help
Ø  Be there (when you know they need help)
Ø  Tell the truth (if it needs be told especially if it is confronting for a good cause. But always remember to do it in a spirit of humility, never to put down).
  
         Our Lord Jesus tells us that the 2 greatest commandments are to love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind and the other is to love your, neighbour as yourself. It seems as though that if we do not have good, loving relationships with people, we do not know God either (1 John 4:20). Spirituality is a life of love both with God and with each other (Matthew 22:40). Relationships are the most important aspect of the spiritual life. In fact, they are the spiritual life. St. Paul would therefore write in his letter to the Romans, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12 :18). We are actually supplied with what we need from others in the Body of Christ (Colossians 2:19). Good old – fashioned support is the basic fuel we need to face and deal with trials and discouragements of life.  

        When Paul was depressed and discouraged, God comforted him by sending him a friend in Titus (2 Corinthians 7 :6). People who are grieving will tell you that a combination of God’s presence and the support of other people gave them comfort when they needed it. This is precisely because in our efforts to become the person that God wants us to be, we would experience difficulties and discouragement along the way and while we look to God for His support and guidance, the Bible also emphatically says that we need to be encouraged by each other (Ephesians 6:21-22). With this encouragement also comes confrontation but this confrontation is a healthy one. It is about standing up and pointing out when something is wrong. However, this is something that is and should not be done out of spite or to put down but rather to help. Good friends in our lives confront and discipline us where we need it and they do so with a spirit of grace and truth (Galatians 6:1).

       As mentioned, good friends are those who seek the good for us. They are never proud, boastful or conceited for pride is the mother of all vices. They give us what we need in the areas of acceptance, support, discipline, mentoring and a host of other relationship ingredients that produce change – a change for the better.

        While it is but obvious that the world is not a heaven of saints, neither is it a hell full of demons. God allows His light to shine on both the good and the bad (Matthew 5:45) and hence it is fitting to say that in a broad sense, relationship is like a mystery. Gabriel Marcel once said, “A mystery is a problem that encroaches upon itself because the questioner becomes the object of the question. Getting to Mars is a problem. Falling in love is a mystery.” It is thus important to always pray to God for the right people in your life, that they may help you become the person God created you to be.

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