Happy Valentine's day

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Mario D’Couto

            I know, I know, there are still two more days to go but hopefully if you are reading these words on the screen of your computer or mobile phone, I probably may have got your attention …. Hahaha! Anyways, on a serious note I thought of taking the opportunity to share a short reflection/blogpost in preparation for the beautiful day. I would like to begin with a line from Matthew Kelly’s book, “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” who wrote that intimacy is not a task to be finished but a process to be enjoyed. What does that mean? Read on to find out.

 It’s interesting to note that during wedding masses, the first reading is taken from the book of Genesis and there’s a lot of depth of meaning in it, as it communicates to us about the human condition. In Genesis 2:18, it is written, “It is not good that man should be alone.” At first glance, this statement may seem odd. Adam is NOT alone. God has placed him in a garden with water, trees and vegetation. He has even put Adam alongside other flesh and blood creatures, the animals. Even though there are many other animal creatures with bodies in the Garden of Eden, Adam is still in some sense described as being alone.

            This tells us something about Adam that is not found in the bodily creatures. By noticing how different he is from the animals, Adam comes to realize that he is more than just a body, that he has a spiritual dimension. As a body – soul creature, Adam is unique. This unique quality was not present in other living beings.

            Having said that if Adam is made to give of himself in a mutual relationship of love, then Adam, at this stage is in a certain sense incomplete. He is not able to live out as he ought to for there is no one like him to give himself as an equal partner. There is no other human person, no body – soul creature like him. This is why God says, “It is not good that man should be alone.”

            St. John Paul II explains that man only finds fulfillment when he lives in a relationship of mutual self – giving, living not for himself but for another person. Thus when God said, “It is not good that man should be alone,” it implies that man does not completely realize his essence. He realizes it only by existing ‘with someone’ – and even more deeply and completely – by existing ‘for someone’.

            He also goes on to say that our bodies have a nuptial character, of making ourselves a gift to the other. As seen above, Adam was alone in the sense that he could not realize his true essence but when Eve was created and brought to Adam, he exclaimed, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). Hence when we read further, it is written, “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This line points to an even deeper intimacy between two people. The act of sexual intercourse is only an outward expression of a deeper union.

            Since the human person is not just a physical body but also a spiritual being, what one does with one’s body reveals his or her own very self, ‘the living soul’. The body expresses and makes visible what is invisible the spiritual dimension of the human person. Bodily union is therefore meant to express a deeper spiritual union. It is thus from this that we have two choices in regard to sex. We can look at it as something to be revered because when understood in its proper context, it bears a sacramental value or we can look at it as a means for our own pleasure leaving behind its true meaning. With that being said, it’s no wonder why sex is valid only within the context of marriage. Anything outside it is fornication.

            Another aspect of a healthy relationship is trust. I once came across an interesting quote which goes thus, “A relationship without trust is like a mobile phone without network and when that happens, people start playing games.” In Genesis 2:25, it is written, “They were naked but not ashamed.” Shame involves fear of another person, the sense that we’re not sure we can trust that person. We fear being used or being hurt, so we are afraid of being vulnerable in letting others see us as we really are. However, it’s precisely in such moments that we can actually build intimacy for as Matthew Kelly would assert, we can’t be loved for who we are if we won’t reveal ourselves. When we reveal our struggles, we give others to do the same.

            Before the fall, Adam and Eve were not ashamed. They had complete confidence, trust and security in their relationship. Their bodily nakedness pointed to an even deeper personal ‘nakedness’, in which they felt free to bear their souls completely to each other without any fear of being used, misunderstood or let down. Adam and Eve, before the fall, understood the nuptial meaning of the body – not just the body at face value but the body’s capacity to express love and the communion of persons.

            Imagine being in a relationship in which there is absolutely no selfishness. You know that your beloved was seeking what was best for you and not just his or her own interests. He truly viewed you as a gift that was uniquely entrusted to him and he took this role seriously with a profound sense of responsibility. We can imagine what the relationship between our first parents must have been like. Adam would have looked upon his wife with a profound sense of awe and wonder, seeing her as the daughter of God who had entrusted herself to him in marriage. Likewise, Eve would have accepted Adam as a gift and responded to him with similar love and responsibility. In this kind of environment of complete mutual love and responsibility, personal intimacy could flourish. However all that changed once sin entered.

            Once sin entered, no longer did they see each other as someone entrusted to their care as a gift. Love then became tainted by the selfish desire to use the other. Imagine what must have happened after the original sin. St. John Paul II explain that it is as if after the original sin, Adam ‘felt that he had just stopped being above the world of’ the animals, which are driven by instinct and desires. Almost like the animals, Adam now finds himself powerfully swayed by his desire to satisfy his sexual desires.

            No longer able to master their passions, our first parents approach each other with selfish and lustful hearts. It’s interesting to note in this regard how instinctively after they sinned, that they sewed fig leaves together, covering themselves, as they realized that they were ‘naked’ (Genesis 3:7). The introduction of sin shatters the original unity of man and woman and hinders personal intimacy for now the defense mechanism of shame enters their relationship.

            Hence it is always recommended that a relationship and especially a good one, is not just about two people but three people, namely, man, woman and God. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). If we want to have good relationships, God needs to be there because He gives us the strength to love in those moments when we don’t feel like loving. It’s easy to love when everything is going on smoothly. The real challenge comes when your partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other drives you up the wall. That’s the acid test!

            Katherine Anne Porter wrote, “Love must be learned again and again; there is no end to it. Hate needs no instruction but waits only to be provoked.” Our natural response is to look inwards and more for ourselves and this is precisely because of our fallen nature. It’s no wonder that infatuation happens more often than real love. In itself, there’s nothing wrong with infatuation. However, it needs to purified. If left uncontrolled, it could damage one’s self morally. Think about the sin of King David (2 Samuel 11:1-27). The ancient Biblical story has much application for our lives today. Beautiful women’s bodies still suddenly appear before the eyes of godly men even when they are not looking for sexual stimulation. A man can be walking down the street and notice a woman with a short skirt who ‘arrests’ his attention. He can be driving down the highway and be faced with a provocatively dressed woman on a billboard. He can be watching a football game when suddenly at the commercial break, half – naked women start running around and promoting beer and cars. And while men are more affected immediately by such visual stimuli, many women today find themselves fighting a similar battle, tempted by the deliberately provocative images of men that are common in our highly sexualized culture. They too, are at a risk of falling into sinful carnal desires. Especially in an age of magazines like Cosmo and online pornography, many young women are growing more sexualized than before. Some single women, for example have admitted, “I’ve used guys to overcome my fear of being alone. It’s just nice to have someone interested in me!” Or, “I didn’t really want to date this guy, but I felt good about myself knowing he was interested in me – I’m being pursued, I’m wanted, I’m interesting. But looking back, it was selfish. I was just using him to meet my emotional needs.”

            How nice it would have been if we had movies portraying or conveying the message that real love is not a phenomenon of warm, fuzzy, romanticized feelings but is grounded in sacrifice, trust and mutual respect, each willing the good of the other. It seems the culture that we are in is a far cry from this ideal (although I must admit that there are good people too who try to practice the virtue of chastity).

            Being chaste, contrary to putting restrictions on us, frees us to love genuinely, which is why, we can also infer that to truly love someone, to truly will the good of the other makes us holy. Consider this for example, a husband/boyfriend who finds ways to cheer his wife/girlfriend in her moments of pain is serving God or when he makes sacrifices so that she gets the recreational time she needs is serving God and vice versa. This kind of love is so hard and it challenges us to go beyond ourselves but when we ask God’s grace to love in the way that He would want us to love, that’s something beautiful. True, there will be the occasional bursts of looking inwards and probably acting selfishly but whenever that happens, we ought to remind ourselves that real love is about willing the good of the other and going beyond ourselves as Jason Evert in one of his talks said, “If you truly love someone, look at the Cross.” I don’t think there’s a better example more powerful than this. In fact, Our Blessed Lord Himself said, “No man has greater love than to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Relationships, if understood in its proper context, can be understood or viewed as God’s way of working on two people, not helping you find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

            As someone once stated that to analyse one’s feelings is the worst way of arriving at a measure of friendship/relationship but to count its cost is the best way, the question that we could ask ourselves is, “How much am I willing to sacrifice for this person?” Feeling romantically inclined toward someone but not mentioning it because you know doing so would be premature and unwise is one of the most loving and difficult things you could ever do. It is difficult to feel so strongly attached or attracted to someone and not talk about it, knowing that you may or may not have those feelings reciprocated. Giving free rein to such emotions and conversations is the opposite of love; it is selfishness. It threatens that person’s emotional and spiritual health. It also shows a lack of concern, a lack of care, a total lack of willingness to sacrifice on which true love is based.

            I say this because romance is built on loud and unreserved displays of lavish affection but such displays can be evidence of an undisciplined heart. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to limit your display of affection by submitting to God’s greater good for that person you love and care about. So many couples tend to be undisciplined and hasty in declaring the affection. They rush in and blurt out their feelings before even knowing the other person and then they tend to become very self – centred, wanting the other person to respond in kind and begin meeting their romantic fantasies with equal desperation. If you find yourself attracted or attached to someone of the opposite sex when you see a friendship or a relationship beginning to blossom, are you deliberate or impatient? Do you seek God’s face before you ‘explore’ your feelings and discuss them?

            Display of public affection, verbal commitments that are born out of a rush of romanticized feelings, false promises based on temporary emotions are all ‘useless’ gifts that we are all so generous with. But when it comes to the costly gifts of willing the good of the other by dying to ourselves, that’s something, we are not ready for. We don’t consider the other’s welfare before we pronounce our commitment or affection; we don’t consider whether our displays of affection will be healthy or cause possible confusion and later hurt.

            Your love is measured by your willingness to act unselfishly, even to the point that the person you love thinks less of you. If you would rather NOT declare your love because you want to make sure the relationship is wise, that’s counting the cost; that’s love! If you would rather know whether your feelings are returned before you even know whether the relationship would honour God, that’s selfishness. Analyzing your feelings is therefore a waste of time (which unfortunately many singles do). Instead, analyse the fruit of you love, are you willing to sacrifice for the other person’s welfare?

            A God – honouring friendship/relationship is one of the best realities of life. A friendship/relationship that may lead to marriage is even more exciting, which is all the more reason we should guard it and make sure it is built on a solid foundation because the spirit in which we enter a friendship/relationship determines its growth. Too often, we enter relationships or even friendships lightly and casually, without careful thought about what we are getting into or the reason and purpose behind it, but if we consider it as a part of the spiritual life, we shall be spared from the possible pitfalls that could come along with it (if your motivations for friendship are not right that is). However if discipline is part of our friendship and if it’s something that we try to inculcate right from the start, giving it all our best, however costly it may be, we would be doing ourselves a big favour. True, this is not going to be easy, but with God’s help, our lives will be enriched by the greatest gift to be found on earth. In one phrase, it’s about helping each other become the best version of ourselves with God’s help.

            Now for those of you may be single like me, you may probably be wondering what’s going on. At times, you may think whether if there’s something wrong with you. The truth is there’s nothing wrong with you. You are God’s most beloved son/daughter. You are already loved by God immensely. Hence being single can be a time to deepen your love for God and allowing God to help you become the person that He wants you to be. What’s more, in doing so, you’re preparing yourself for your future. If you’re not comfortable with yourself or not strong enough alone, what good can you bring if you were to face the challenges and storms of life with your beloved (which will be there). Are you going to run away or shirk responsibility? Real love takes guts! Most of all, being single, does not mean you are abnormal. Society will taunt you, people will say all kinds of things but that does not mean that you have to settle down in desperation. Our objective as God’s beloved children should be looking for someone who can help us walk along the path toward God. There’s a lot that can be said where I could probably go on and on but I probably would save it for another reflection/blogpost. I hope these few words were helpful as you journey in your life, whichever state you are in, whichever part of the world you may be, just as it was a learning process for me while writing this particular blogpost/reflection. God love you. Stay blessed!