Standing Alone

 

STANDING ALONE

Mario D’Couto

            Eric Fromm once said, “Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love”. Sometimes there is the misconception that the words ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’ are to be understood synonymously but the truth is that they are actually two different phenomenon. Being alone means being by one’s self (solitary) while being or feeling lonely could imply feeling unhappy because of feeling isolated from contact with other people (desolate). The former is positive while the latter is negative. We celebrated Valentine’s Day about two weeks ago and while some of you reading this, may or may not be in a relationship, the focus of this blogpost/article/reflection is about what it takes to be ourselves before getting into a relationship.

 

       Speaking about relationships, the common perception that comes to mind at prima – facie is someone pursuing another romantically but in a wider context, being in a relationship could also imply or be interpreted or understood as just relating with other people, be it your friends, family, co – workers and so on. So just because someone may not be in a ‘relationship’ does not mean that they are abnormal. The sad part is that sometimes being single can be interpreted as a social stigma where everyone, your friends, family or co – workers are wondering why you are not getting hitched. This is something that I plan to focus on in this blogpost/reflection.

            Israel Adesanya, who is well known in the world of MMA (mixed martial arts) once said, “A lot of people don’t like to be with their own thoughts because they don’t like what is happening up here (the mind) but you have to face yourself so you can learn how to be yourself. If I can conquer myself, I can conquer anyone. This is a part of not just my training but about life in general which is just learning to be alone with my own thoughts and enjoying my own company for how can you love someone if you don’t love yourself.” This kind of sets the tone of what it means to be content in your singleness. Mind you, I am not against relationships or marriage but if we are not strong as individuals, how can we shoulder other responsibilities and face life’s challenges along with someone else; and if we were ever to think that it would not be there or that it would be a piece of cake, we may as well consider ourselves living in a delusion.

        This is not to paint a grim picture of what relationships would be but it is more to present a realistic outlook of what it is which is why Jason Evert would write in his book, “The Dating Blueprint” (although more for men, it could also apply to women) that while we enjoy the idea of bringing that special someone into our lives, we’ve done nothing to prepare ourselves for his/her arrival. So if you feel called to marriage or would like to pursue a relationship, it is important to prepare ourselves even before we have encountered that special someone in our lives.

            The word ‘single’ comes from the Latin word ‘singulus’ which means ‘only one’. In the context of a relationship, singleness is the state of any man or woman of marriageable age who is not married. As seen earlier that there is the misconception that if one were not married for whatever reason or is not in a relationship that it would seem that such a person is incomplete or lacks something but on the contrary, as June Hunt would put it, “One is a whole number” which is to say that you are complete as you are, gifted and loved by God, made in His image and likeness: You are complete in Him (Colossians 2:10).

            There’s a story of a certain spinster by the name Harriet Hartbyrne who, when she died at 87, made this statement in her last will and testament, “I don’t want anybody to put ‘Miss’ on my tombstone. I haven’t missed as much as some people think!” This raises one question, “For those of us who are single or thinking of pursuing a relationship, what have we done with the time that we have? Do we sulk and grumble at what we don’t have or do we see this time to invest in our own personal growth into becoming the best version of ourselves in the way that God has called us to be?” Let’s take a look at two examples from the Bible, namely, Dorcas (whose story can be found in the Acts of the Apostles) and Naomi (whose story can be found in the book of Ruth in the Old Testament) and how they responded to their singleness.

 

     Dorcas was a disciple in Joppa and was known for always doing good and helping the poor. She was beloved by all those around her. But tragedy struck when Dorcas became ill and died, prompting tearful laments and actions from those feeling immense loss.

      Two men sent for Peter and urged him, ‘Please come at once!’ Upon arrival, St. Peter immediately saw the fruit of Dorcas’ faithfulness. Numerous widows encircled him, crying and holding up robes and other types of clothing she made. Clearly, Dorcas had used her singleness as a springboard for service to those around her. In the midst of her singleness, she chose to be single – minded, not focusing on herself and her own needs but focusing on God’s plan to use her in meeting the needs of others.

            St. Peter then asked everyone to leave the room where Dorcas lay lifeless. After he knelt and prayed, he told Dorcas to get up whereupon “she opened her eyes and seeing Peter, she sat up” (Acts 9: 36 – 40). Immediately, Dorcas was presented alive to her astonished mourners. Undoubtedly, her charitable ministry continued and God greatly used her singleness in her ministry.

            Contrast this with the life of Naomi (as seen in the book of Ruth in the Old Testament). Naomi returns to her hometown with her daughter – in – law, Ruth, by her side but the three people who had left with her many years before are noticeably absent …. and the whole town is astir.

            ‘Can this be Naomi?’ the women exclaim, probably stretching their necks to see whether her husband and two sons are following far behind but no, each one of them has died.

            Naomi becomes embittered by her circumstances and wants her name to reflect her bitter anguish. “Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them, “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me” (Ruth 1: 19:21)

            ‘Naomi’ and ‘Mara’, these two names had distinctly different meanings, which clearly conveyed the woeful woman’s message. ‘Naomi’ means ‘pleasant’ while ‘Mara’ means ‘bitter’. ‘Mara’ seemed far more appropriate than ‘Naomi’ since her husband and sons died while they were all living in Moab. According to her own words, she considered her life empty. She felt that her unwanted singleness was a misfortune – an affliction from God.

            Thankfully, her bitterness was eventually abated as she experienced the Lord’s provision for her and for her beloved daughter – in – law, Ruth. Once she witnessed the Lord at work in her life and perceived His plan to meet her needs and even to do the miraculous by fulfilling her dream for a grandson, her name was once again, Naomi. Her life was once again pleasant.

         

       God did not give her another husband or more children of her own. But He gave her grandchildren through her daughter – in – law in order to carry on her family name and leave her a heritage. And how rich a heritage God gave her! Her firstborn grandson would be the grandfather of Kind David, through whose lineage Jesus the Christ would come. Naomi learned what everyone who is single needs to learn – that God had a divine purpose in her being single as we see in Ruth 4: 16 – 17, “Naomi took the child, laid him in her lap and cared for him. The women living there said, ‘Naomi has a son’. And they named him Obed. He was the father of Jesse, the father of David.” Thus from these two examples, we see how two people go through the same experience but react differently.

     You are definitely worth more than gold or precious stones. You are the apple of God’s eye. At an auction, the worth of an item is determined clearly and simply by one thing: the highest price paid. Each item goes to the highest bidder. You and I were brought from the auction block of sin two thousand years ago when the Heavenly Father paid the highest price possible – the life of His Son, Jesus Christ. By that one act, your worth was forever established by God.

 

           Jesus Christ paid the ultimate price for you – willingly dying on the cross – paying the penalty for your sins. He loves you that much! Your true worth is based not on anything you have done or will do but on what Jesus has already done. Without a doubt, He established your worth. You were worth His life. You were worth dying for, as Our Blessed Lord Himself said in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.”

          The time of singleness can be used to deepen one’s relationship with God, for when we understand the depth of God’s love, we are in a better position to love and when that happens, we can then truly say that “we love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

      

        When St. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:32 -35, “The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord but the married man is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” Notice in the end what St. Paul writes, “not to lay any restraint upon you but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord” which is to say that neither forms of life is better or superior than the other; they are just different. While the single man or woman certainly has the undue advantage of having undivided devotion to the Lord, for instance had St. Paul been married, his spouse may have side-tracked and side-lined, diverting his attention from the dangers of his ministry to the comforts of home. But because he (St. Paul) was single and singularly focused on pleasing the Lord, he could unequivocally say, “For Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties” (2 Corinthians 12:10). Yet at the same time, if one were truly pursuing a relationship with the intention of getting married one day, it is going to call you out of your comfort zone nonetheless.

            As a single person you are on your own. You get to decide what you want to do. But when you’re in a relationship or are married, you’re sharing your life with another person and all of his/her needs, desires, expectations and preferences, not to mention weaknesses, fears, hurts and faults, all of which will become part of your life, in the sense that there are things which you will need to deal with. If you do get married one day and have children, you’ll have little people who would constantly need your attention and care. Putting all this together, you will then realize that you have little to probably no time for yourself (although this need not necessarily be the case; it is just a general observation). So if you are single, dating or engaged and you are spending your time, money and resources however you want or just doing whatever you want and pursuing your own interests (the wrong ones of course), and get into marriage, it’s going to be a tough transition.

 

       As someone once said, “Marriage is never getting to do what you want” (although I cannot recall who it was) if we have devoted much of our single years to pursuing our own interests, entertaining ourselves, avoiding conflict and doing that we want all the time, it will not be easy for us to make sacrifices, to seek what is best for our spouse, to be patient with our beloved’s shortcomings or to wake up at 3 a.m. to take care of a crying baby. If you are single, dating or engaged, you have dozens of opportunities to sharpen your sword and practice service to others. Every day God gives you many ways to get more outside of yourself and serve other people’s needs. 

            Apart from God’s grace, nothing will prepare us for the realities of marriage (if that is our end – goal). In an era that tends to view the young adult years as a time for self – discovery and having fun, single people should be more intentional about being ‘self – less’, about living to serve other people’s needs and not just their own. Learning this skill while single is one of the greatest gifts you can take into your relationship and future marriage.

            Another word of caution that I would like to highlight is to never act out of desperation. Some people fear the fact that just because they are single, they would never get married and that if they get married, everything will become alright. Far from it! The single or marital life can be as productive or detrimental depending on how one lives one’s life. The fact of the matter is that no human person can love us perfectly. We are all flawed individuals but when we are rooted in Christ, we have the capacity and the strength to love the other even in the most difficult of situations. In fact, it is easy to love someone when everything is rosy and sweet but the challenge comes when the relations goes through torrid waters, which is why Gary Thomas would write in his book, “Sacred Search”, that pursuing a relationship or a potential spouse is not about finding ‘the one’.

            Infatuation is something you find. Sexual chemistry is something you find. A lost cell phone is something you find. But a strong, God – honouring relationship or marriage that leads to a life – long partnership and fosters a sense of oneness? That is something you make and it takes time; it takes discipline.

            Relationships is God’s way of working on two people not so much about helping you find that one special person. It is about you finding someone who will help you in your journey towards building your relationship with God and you in turn helping your partner grow and build on his/her relationship with God. In one phrase, it is about helping each other become a better version of yourself each day. So if you are single and are wondering why everyone is ‘hooked – up’ and you are not, embrace the wait. Take it as a time for formation, a time given by God to grow in virtue. God wants to meet us in our singlehood and invite us to experience His love and His power in our lives. If we are only discouraged about our state in life and disparagingly running away from it all the time, we may be missing out on profound opportunities God is giving us to grow. God is real. He is present in our lives.  Do not resent the current situation or live in a fantasy about the future. Encounter Him where you are right now in the present.

 

         The brilliant English philosopher and beloved storyteller C.S. Lewis, best known for “The Chronicles of Narnia” and “Mere Christianity” lived most of his life as a single man and was married late in life for only four of his sixty – five years.

       This atheist – turned apologist would agree that your single most important decision is what you do with the claims of Christ. As an Oxford/Cambridge professor and avowed atheist who began an honest quest for truth in order to disprove Christianity, his philosophical findings became only solid proofs to confirm rather than deny the existence of God and the deity of Christ.

 

          St. Francis De Sales, who was a gifted spiritual director, would have people often correspond with him about their spiritual concerns. One woman wrote in great distress, torn because she wanted to get married while a friend was encouraging her to remain single, insisting it would be ‘more holy’ for her to care for her father and then devote herself as a celibate to God after her father died.

 

           The saint put the troubled young woman at ease saying that far from being a compromise, in a sense, marriage might be the toughest ministry she could ever undertake. This is what he wrote to her, “The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other. It is a perpetual exercise of mortification ….. Inspite of the bitter nature of its juice, you may be able to draw and make the honey of a holy life”.

            Notice that St. Francis De Sales talks about the ‘bitter nature’ of marriage’s ‘juice’. To spiritually benefit from marriage or even from a relationship, we have to be honest. We have to look at our disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes and confront our selfishness. We also have to rid ourselves of the notion that the difficulties of marriage can be overcome if we simply pray harder or learn a few simple principles. The reason is that the ‘simple principles’ are not sufficient to make it work, at most, it would only be on a superficial level.

        There’s a deeper question that needs to be addressed beyond how a couple can ‘improve’ their marriage if it is going through rough times. What if God didn’t design marriage to be ‘easier’? What if God had one end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort and our desire to be infatuated and happy?

            What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? What if, as St. Francis De Sales puts it, we are to accept the ‘bitter juice’ because of it we may learn to draw the resources we need with which to make ‘the honey of a holy life’?

            This isn’t to suggest that happiness and holiness are contradictory. On the flipside, we’ll be the happiest, most joy – filled lives when we walk in obedience. John Wesley once boldly proclaimed that it is not possible for a man to be happy who is not also holy as we see in the following quote, “Who can be truly ‘happy’ while filled with anger, rage and malice? Who can be happy while nursing resentment or envy? Who can be honestly happy while caught in the sticky compulsion of an insatiable lust or incessant materialism? The glutton may enjoy his food but he does not enjoy his condition.”

            So while happiness has its place, what is more important is to identify where you derive your happiness because when marriage is pursued for the wrong reasons, one would not find happiness at the end of a road named ‘selfishness’.

            Thus we see why being rooted in God and having a close relationship with Him is crucial both before and when in a relationship for ultimately He is the One who helps us to love the other in a way He would want.

            Another important aspect of being rooted in God is that it makes us know our true worth for who we are. What do I mean by this? As Christians, the goal of pursuing a relationship or marriage is not so much about happiness but about glorifying God. In most cases, God’s glory is best pursued by making a wise marital choice and building a family that will honour Him. However, when we read the story of Hosea in the Bible, while it may seem that the choice he made would seem at odds of what we have seen all along, it was precisely for God’s glory and as per His instructions that He married a prostitute. Think about it for a minute, marring a woman knowingly that she would cheat on him, conceive children with other men and so on, things that would break him down or any man for that matter, did he have a successful life? Absolutely! What about John Wesley (the founder of the Methodist Church)? His wife quite possible was mentally ill. Things got so bad that when she eventually abandoned him, Wesley wrote in his journal, “I didn’t ask her to leave but I am certainly not going to chase after her.” He had a disastrous marriage but also lived a supremely significant life. Or consider the example of John Calvin. He had a fantastic wife but who died barely a decade into their marriage and lived single for the rest of his life.

            Most of us will not be called into a ‘Hosea’ kind of marriage and while it would certainly be unwise to just act according to what one ‘likes’ when it comes to pursuing a relationship or marriage, it could certainly happen that despite after making a careful decision, we may feel that kind of pain that Hosea felt where our relationship or marriage goes through such storms but even in the midst of all that, it need not wreck or define our lives if our spiritual priorities are in place.

 

         The truth is that no relationship or marriage is easy. There is no guarantee that the person you love or marry would continue to grow in faith. She may backslide or he may get sick or break psychologically or spiritually. But, if your mission and purpose is right, you’ll be okay and you’ll grow in the process and that’s a good thing.

 

           The point therefore is to seek first the Kingdom of God, not a happy marriage or an easy marriage nor even a wise marriage. While all these are noble pursuits, the first call of every Christian is to fulfil God’s will for his/her life and to grow in righteousness. So take a deep breath. God isn’t going to leave you. Who you marry will affect you but that person needn’t define you. Don’t lose your joy, wonder or happiness just because you may have gone or are going through a turbulent period, be it if you’re single or married. Life is a journey, walked hand in hand with God. We want to walk in wisdom but God has plenty of experience helping His children walk though the consequences of foolish choices (both their own and others). So embrace the soul – healing words of Our Blessed Lord, “I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).

            Another area which I feel needs to be touched upon in regard to singleness, is the area of sexuality. If we are to think that marriage is the answer or a medium to fulfil our sexual needs, we are gravely mistaken. To pursue a relationship or marriage for such a purpose would be an act of selfishness; we would not be respecting and loving our partner or spouse for who they are but instead they only become a means to an end and as seen before, it is only a recipe for disaster.

        Disciplining one’s self during one’s years of singlehood in the area of sexuality is another great gift we can take into our future relationship and marriage. Even married couples are called to chastity, in the sense, they are called to be faithful to their spouse. If one has not been disciplined during one’s years of singleness, the change is not going to magically happen after one is in a relationship or marriage.

            While human sexuality may seem like an inextinguishable fire, the truth is quite the opposite. Sex is not bad in itself and in fact it is a gift given to us by God but it has to be dealt with respect. It has been given for the sole purpose of procreation within the context of marriage. God’s very first commandment in the Bible is “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). But perhaps, one question we can raise or which may be lurking around in our minds is, “How do we live sexually disciplined lives?”

           The modern culture that we live in today tends to treat casual sex as the new norm and there are no moral repercussions if anyone were to involve or engage in it. This is not to say that sex outside marriage or affairs were not happening in times past but at least the fact that sex was supposed to be regarded as something sacred and valid within marriage was held as ‘the code of conduct’ (for the lack of a better word) until the 1960s when the sexual revolution broke out. Today, it seems as though casual sex does not seem wrong at all.

            Many postmodernists would like to view the Church’s teachings as archaic, puritan and repressing but the fact of the matter is that there is no particular culture that shows evidence of having multiple sexual partners or casual sex as healthy or bringing about lasting fulfilment. In fact, it is quite the opposite. There are more broken hearts, more broken families, more broken lives, more bitterness, murders and suicides within which sex is the canker.

       

         Gary Thomas in his book, “Sacred Search”, writes, “God designed sex to be pleasurable and  satisfying. He knew what He was doing and no surprise, He succeeded. Sex can indeed be amazing. It’s also a skill that can be learned and that’s what marriage allows, so if the two of you aren’t ‘compatible’ on your wedding night, you have a lifetime to get there.

            Two people who genuinely care for each other and who are growing in the virtue of kindness and generosity will figure out, sooner rather than later, how to please and keep on pleasing each other. You don’t have to ‘test’ sex – believe me, it works! Enjoying sex with each other isn’t a test of the relationship – that’s like saying, ‘We know we were made for each other because we both think that chocolate chip mint ice cream is delicious’ or ‘we both think sunsets are beautiful’. Join the club - so do billions of other people. In the same way, plenty of people could potentially bring you to the point of orgasm. And guess what? You’d enjoy the orgasm. God created you with skin, nerve endings, genitals and a brain that makes sex supremely pleasurable. In the end, all you’ve learned is that God is a good Creator and engineer. You haven’t learned whether the person who manipulated your body to orgasm is capable of building a family with you.” From this, we see that what is meant to cement a relationship is immensely unhelpful if it is being used to test a relationship.

          Premarital or casual sex is a foolish thing for the sheer reason that just when you need to be most alert to make the best choice you could possibly make, one that will affect you and your future family for the rest of your life, sex creates a neurochemical fog that will confuse you. You’re going to feel like you want to stay with that person, even if you mentally understand that it’s not a particularly wise match. You’re literally launching a neurochemical war against your mental reasoning as Dr. Paul Freisen writes in his book, “Before you save the date: 21 Questions to help you marry with confidence”, “There is no area that blinds couples more to their challenges than premature sexual involvement” and if a person were to indulge in casual sex just because he or she ‘feels the need to’, it would be hard for me to distinguish between such a person and an animal for animals act by instinct (mating season) while the human person has the ability to choose between right and wrong.

            The sad part is that it is a reality we cannot ignore. In some cultures, it is very blatant while in some it is more discreet but in whatever form it exists, the problem is there. The way I see it, it is like putting the horse before the cart. When asked as to why some people would go for such a thing, the most common response is that they don’t have the time to invest in love or being committed to someone. For such people, if the sexual encounter is ‘good’ or ‘productive’, then there ‘may’ be a chance of taking things forward; if it’s not, it ends there.

            Sex is not the equivalent of love. Loves in its purest form is willing the good of the other which involves sacrifice, empathy, acceptance and humility. One does not need to have sex in order to love. Sex could be part of love but it is not the central thing in order for love to exist. Sex devoid of love in its purest form only leads to utilitarianism as Dr. Edward Sri explains in his book, “Men, Women and the Mystery of Love”, “How many relationships are based more on a mutual use than on a committed love and a true communion of persons? For example, how many young women have sex with a guy only for the emotional security of having a boyfriend or for fear that if they don’t do this, such a guy would break up with them? Or how often does a man just want a good – looking woman to sleep with for the physical pleasure he may derive from the relationship? These are not relationships of authentic love that bring persons in communion with one another. These are simply more socially acceptable forms of mutual use – but still similar to prostitution.”

 

       If a relationship proves unworthy of a lifetime commitment, having been sexually involved will only make the breakup more painful. It will dull one’s ability to sexually connect with the person he/she does marry one day and it will confuse such a person to evaluate the relationship. When such a person sexually reconnects, he/she would feel the effects of the neurochemical ‘cement’. Learning to disregard this ‘cement’ (which one must eventually do to break things off) will only undercut the positive effects it has in marriage.

            Jason Evert also mentions something similar in his book, “Pure Manhood” where he points out that from a research that was collected from over 10,000 women, it has been found that the sooner a girl becomes sexually active, the more likely she is to suffer the following, 

Ø  Out of wedlock pregnancy

Ø  Single motherhood

Ø  STDs (sexually transmitted disease)

Ø  Multiple sexual partners

Ø  Breakups

Ø  Poverty

Ø  Depression

Ø  Divorce

            All this only goes to prove that when a relationship is ‘transactional’, it is not a relationship, it is a ‘business’! Consider the following example of a businessman who has a relationship with a prostitute on a certain night every week. The man desires the sexual pleasure she can give him and the woman desires the money he can give her. They each have self – serving aims that come together in the sexual act and benefit the other person. They each get what they want and in the process, they meet the other person’s desires.

            However, the moment they cease to be mutually advantageous to one another, what would happen to such a relationship? If a richer man can pay the prostitute more on that particular night of the week, in all probability, she will leave the first businessman for the wealthier one. On the other hand, if the businessman no longer finds the prostitute pleasurable and meets a younger, more attractive prostitute, he would likely leave the first one for the younger one. This may be a crude example but it only goes to show how a lot of modern – day relationships have become so utilitarian in nature.

            Sex is a powerful drive. It is like fire. Fire when controlled can help to keep the house warm or if let loose could consume the house and destroy it. This therefore brings us back to the question, “How do we live sexually disciplined lives?” or “How can we be sexually integrated in our time of singleness?” for as seen earlier that if we are not sexually disciplined in our time of singleness, the virtue of chastity is not going to magically fall from heaven after one gets into a relationship or marriage.

 

          Ancient Greeks used their myths to express much of their psychological and spiritual wisdom. They didn’t intend for those stories to be taken literally or as historical facts. Instead, they used them as metaphors and archetypal illustrations of why life is the way it is and how people engage life both generatively and destructively.

    Many of these myths were created among gods and goddesses who mirrored virtually every aspect of human life, human behaviour and innate human propensity. Moreover, many of these god and goddesses were far from moral in their behaviour, especially in their sexual lives. However, despite the messiness and amorality of their sexual behaviour, one of the positive features inside their myths was that, for the ancient Greeks, sex was connected to the divine. Even temple prostitution was related to accessing the fertility that emanated from the realm of the gods.

       Within the pantheon of gods and goddesses was a goddess named Artemis. Most of the other goddesses were sexually promiscuous but Artemis was chaste and celibate. Her sexual abstinence represented the value of chastity and celibacy. Pictured as a tall, graceful figure, she was sexually attractive but her beauty was different from the overt, seductive sexuality of goddesses like Aphrodite and Hera. In the figure of Artemis, sex is depicted as an attractive blend of solitude and integrity. She is frequently portrayed as surrounded by members of her own sex or the opposite sex, who appear as friends and intimates but never as lovers.

            The implication here is that sexual desire can remain healthy and generative despite abstaining from sex. Artemis represents a chaste way of being sexual. She tells us that, in the midst of a sexually soaked world, a person can be generative and happy while also being chaste and celibate. Perhaps, even more important, Artemis shows us that being chaste doesn’t make a person anti – sexual and sterile. In fact, sexuality is wider than sex and sex itself will be richer and more meaningful if it is also connected to chastity. Claiming your solitude and experiencing friendship and other forms of intimacy are not substitutes for sex but one of its rich modalities.

            The American psychotherapist Thomas Moore describes Artemis in the following way, “Although she is the most virginal of the goddess, Artemis is not asexual. She embodies a special kind of sexuality, where the accent is on individuality, integrity and solitude.” As such, she is a model not just for celibates but also for people who are sexually active, for as noted and seen before, chastity has a far greater meaning than just the mere abstinence from sex or sexual desire.

  

          This mythical goddess teaches us a much – needed lesson for our world today. Our age has turned sex into a soteriology, a doctrine of salvation. In other words, sex isn’t perceived as a means to heaven but is heaven itself. It’s as though this is what we are supposed to be living for. One of the consequences of this is that we can no longer blend our adult awareness with chastity or the genuine complexity and richness of sex. Rather, for many of us, chastity and celibacy are seen as a fearful self – protection that leaves a person dry, sterile, moralistic, anti – erotic, sexually uptight and on the periphery of life’s joys. Tied to this is the notion that all these rich realities so positively highlighted by Artemis (as well as in the Christian understanding of chastity) which included things like friendship, non – sexual forms of intimacy, non – sexual pleasures and the need for integrity and fidelity are merely substitutes for sex and second – best rather than rich modalities of sex itself. Such an ideology is psychologically and spiritually impoverishing and puts undue pressure on our social lives. When asked to live or carry the primary lead solely in terms of human generativity and happiness, it cannot help but come up short which we are seeing in our world today.

            As Dag Hammarskjold, the Swedish economist and diplomat, who served as the second Secretary – General of the United Nations once said, “The lust of the flesh reveal the loneliness of the soul”, the fact of the matter is that it is possible to lead healthy sexual and chaste lives, if one knows how to discipline one’s self and live accordingly that is. If we look at the lives of the saints, while some may have struggled with it but came out victorious eventually (for example St. Augustine who fathered a child before he became a Christian or St. Francis of Assisi who is said to have thrown 

himself into a bush filled with thorns or in a heap of snow whenever he faced sexual temptation), many of them have shown by their own lives that it is possible. Why! Some of the saints have shown that it is even possible to have healthy and chaste friendships with members of the opposite sex as in the case of St. Francis of Assisi and St. Claire, St. Francis De Sales and St. Frances De Chantal, St. John Bosco and St. Mary Marzarello, St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila and so on. This can only be possible only when we are rooted in God, Who is Love (1 John 4:16).

            I can’t think of a better example than Our Blessed Lord Himself who shows us how we can live fully – integrated lives as explained by June Hunt in her book, “Singleness”,

“He goes to weddings – always as a guest, never as the groom. He takes gifts to the bride and groom but has not been gifted with a bride of His own. Some of His friends have established careers and nice homes. He, on the other hand, owns no home and is just beginning a new career with meagre finances. When visiting His married friends, He holds their children and spends time with them. They are drawn to Him, though He has no children of His own.

       He is a virile Man, with natural sexual desires, a Man who experiences true temptation. He is a Man of spiritual commitment that keeps Him from sexual involvement outside of marriage.

       He is regarded by some in His community as different – a misfit, not conforming to society’s norms. However, He is intelligent, verbally gifted and more than able to hold His own in community debates. He is not afraid to express His thoughts and feelings publicly, not ashamed to shed a tear among friends.

       He is a content, confident man who knows who He is and what He wants, yet He does experience times of intense loneliness and longing. Typically, He is not thought of in this way, but this single Man’s name is Jesus, the Christ, the Son of the Living God.”

            Our Blessed Lord exemplified the above qualities to the highest order since He, 

Ø  Deeply and wholeheartedly loved His Father

Ø  Was totally devoted to His Father

Ø  Sought to know the heart and mind of His Father 

Ø  Routinely spent time talking alone with His Father

Ø  Listened to His Father

Ø  Expressed His needs and desires to His Father

Ø  Was united in purpose with His Father

Ø  Drew His strength from His Father

Ø  Was committed to doing the will of His Father

Ø  Sought His Father’s direction in all that He did

Ø  Did everything He was told to do by His Father

Ø  Performed good deeds to glorify His Father

Ø  Entrusted Himself to His Father

Ø  Willingly suffered to accomplish the will of His Father

Ø  Pleased His Father rather than people

            Just as a painter or an artist has a model to imitate, where they are able to transcribe the model in front of them into a picture on the canvas sheet through their art and skill, so is it with the lives of the saints who were able to imbibe and imitate the qualities of Our Blessed Lord into their own lives by a conscious choice to follow in His footsteps, which is also something we can and should strive to emulate.

 

          The season of Lent can be perceived as a dry season, as a time where we are called to make sacrifices, give up something or spend hours in prayer. Whatever it may be though, the actual meaning of Lent means ‘spring’ a time where everything begins to revive and in a sense, we could say that the season of Lent is a time of spiritual revival, of coming closer to God and renewing our commitment to Him. Although we are called to this way of life each and every day, the season of Lent is a time where we try our best to take it one step up. If you have reached this far of my blogpost/article whether you are single, in a relationship or married, the season of Lent can be a time of deepening our love for God and by doing so we would then be able to love others in a way He would want us to love (1 John 4:19) for God is Love (1 John 4:16). God love you! Stay strong! Stay blessed!