Genuine Friendships



GENUINE FRIENDSHIPS

Mario D’Couto

             As human beings, we are all social beings. It’s hard to imagine a person all by himself/herself. If such was the case, we can become mad or go crazy. But while friendships are important, it is equally important to have the right kind of friendships. It has been proven from various studies conducted that it is our circle of friends that has the most direct impact. This does not in anyway undermine the role of the parents at home. The ambient at home also has its place in the shaping of children into adults. But yet given the kind of lifestyle that we are all living in, with all its hectic pace, it is hard to imagine the impact of parents on their children. It is for this reason that the friend circle of a child becomes his/her ‘second home’. However, the purpose of this reflection or article is not so much about addressing the different issues about how to raise up one’s child but rather it is about (as mentioned in the title of the article), understanding what is it that makes a friendship truly genuine.

            A true friend is a gift beyond price. Friendship cannot be forced. Like happiness, it may come to us as an unexpected blessing. Growing in a relationship with a friend can teach us much about growing in our relationship with God. When we first meet God in a personal way, we are infatuated with the promise of fulfilment. We sense somehow that we shall find perfect happiness if we continue on this road to Him. But there are obstacles along the way too. The difference in this case is that all the obstacles are not in Him but in us. As we work through these hinderances, we become purified in our love for God and slowly enter into a deeper union with Him.

            Relationship with a friend can teach us not only to be more thoughtful, trusting and caring, it can also help us become more open. This openness involves the other to be just as he or she is, and this can teach us to grow in our openness to God. We allow Him to be Who He is in our lives by making ourselves more ready to respond to the movements of His grace wherever they lead rather than treating Him like a vending machine, where we think of God only when problems come in our lives and at other moments, He is forgotten. Human friendships can be that way sometimes unfortunately. We turn to the other only when we need them, but deep friendships is about walking through life along with the other in the storms of life and not just rejoicing in their moments of victory. Genuine friendships is therefore based on something higher. 

            A true friend is someone with whom one can talk about things that really concern with the other without any inhibitions. One does not have to be afraid of saying something stupid or foolish. You don’t have to be eloquent or impressive. You don’t have to be someone you are not in order to be liked. In true friendship, the other person will respect and accept the other despite his or her imperfections. This does not mean that one should be content in the current state that one is in, but the point is genuine friendships help us become better human beings and grow from the things that hold us back from becoming the person that God wants us to be. 

A true friend is one who sees the other through – a bad mood, a trying experience, or even something over which they may have disagreed on. He or she would feel the other’s support in kind words, through a helping hand, a concerned confrontation, a stimulating argument. A true friend is someone who sees the potential in the other, in becoming a better version of oneself, one that God has destined him or her to be, no matter how slowly one stumbles along.

This is the kind of friendship that God wants us to share with Him. Sometimes we have this idea that we have to earn God’s favour; that only if we do good that God would love us and accept us. This could lead to anxiety, but the truth is grace is a gift. While we are unworthy, God is present to us in our imperfections. His love embraces us even when we are unfaithful or forgetful.

God’s grace works through who we are now. He does not wait for us to become who we ought to be although He would certainly be happy with the efforts that we put in trying to become the person that He has called us to be and to come closer to Him in all our imperfections. All we need is an attitude of receptivity – to humbly accept Him and His will in our lives.

Although it is a faint image, our relationships with our friends reflects something of our relationship with God. God sees through us perfectly. He sees us as we have never seen ourselves – in all our superficiality and weakness. His vision goes beyond to our deepest centre. Even though we may be far from that image He has made, God sees us through.

Genuine friendships can therefore be a facilitating condition for spiritual growth. A true friend can open our eyes to the beauty of others and to our own special gifts as well as help us to become more aware of our blind spots. In the pain that is part of any true relation, we can learn generosity, other centredness, compassion – how to love another in the real world as an imperfect, limited being.

A close friendship can call us to greater detachment if we allow the other to fulfill the mystery of his or her unique calling, no matter how much we desire him/her to be with us. If we find ourselves without a close friend, we don’t need to panic or become desperate for deep interaction; it can be a call to grow through solitude, closer to God and more sensitive to others. If we are blessed with a friendship we need to remain conscious of its finite character against the ultimate horizon of our love for God.

Cultivating and nurturing deep spiritual friendships strips away many obstacles to our relationship with God, provided our love and desire for God increases with our affection for our friends in the most genuine way. Only then can the friendship be a truly spiritual one. Our friendships or even a relationship can be limited if Christ is not at the centre. The reason is because in the midst of the ups and downs in a friendship or a relationship, if it is not rooted in something higher, it would fizzle out.

True friendship helps to bring out the ‘flaws’ of each other’s personality that keeps us from being our best selves which means challenging and confronting each other, not so much to find fault but to help us grow in a genuine way. When friendships are purified by a common goal to live in union with Christ, it helps us to interact in a far richer way with those with whom we live and work.

To conclude, I would like to quote the words of Antoine de Saint – Exupery who once said, “Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction”, all friendship is love but not all love is friendship. The best example that we can look upto is The Blessed Trinity. The love and the respect between the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit is something that is truly worth imitating. We are all made in the image of God and since God is love (1 John 4:8), we are made to love, to will the good of the other in the most profound and noblest way. Although we are weak and may not be able to carry this out in the most genuine way, with the help and guidance of Our Blessed Lord and His Holy Mother, when we make Him the center of our friendship and relationship, it could be one of the most beautiful things on earth. My prayer and wish is that as we celebrate Valentine’s day, may we strive after the example of the Blessed Trinity to love and will the good of the other in the most profound and noblest way.


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