To all singles and those pursuing/discerning marriage

TO ALL SINGLES AND THOSE PURSUING/DISCERNING MARRIAGE

Mario D’Couto

            Today, it seems as though we are living in a crisis of relationships. The word ‘love’ rather being understood in its true form has been associated with a sexual connotation or romanticism and it has nothing much to do other than a rush of feelings and emotions. This article is to address the issue.

            When it comes to pursuing a relationship, the first question, we need to ask is the ‘why’ of it. “Why am I pursuing a relationship in the first place?” Once your ‘why’ has been set, then you would automatically find the ‘who’ of your relationship, that is, the person whom you’re pursuing. “Is this person on the same page of what I am thinking?” “Does he/she stand for the same values I stand for?” True and genuine relationships is always about willing the good of the other.

            Some mistakes in life can be rectified while there are some that cannot and even if possible, it may take a long time, maybe, days, weeks, months or even years. In the case of marriage, should you become disappointed in your choice, your obligation as a Christian will be is to work it out instead of walking out and starting over. This fact alone makes it doubly worth the time, effort and even the heartache of a breakup for Christians to make sure they are making a wise decision before they enter into marriage. Once you get married, every evening, every weekend, every holiday, every morning will be marked, for good or for bad, by that relationship.

            The person you marry is the last person you’ll see every night before you go to sleep. Their face is the first one you will see when you wake up in the morning. Their words will encourage or discourage you, their humour will make you laugh in amusement or cry in shame. Their body will pleasure you or threaten you. Their hands will hold you or hurt you. Their presence will be a healing balm or a reminder of all that could have been.

            Some one said it well, “A good marriage is the closest two people will ever come to heaven this side of eternity; a bad marriage is the closest two people in an affluent society will ever come to hell.” The question is, why would such a thing happen like that? Such problems usually erupt from trying to build a life together without a purpose, without a mission, without something that not only establishes a connection but keeps you caring about each other for the next 50 to 60 years or more.

            Perhaps one of the best ways to gauge if a marriage is successful is to ask how has a couple fared over the last ten years or longer? On a personal level, you could also ask the following question, “Where do I see myself ten years from now with this person?” Most people marry on the basis of perceived happiness, but few remain happy for long. Happiness does not mean not having problems, but it is about being grounded on something higher. Why?

            Most people have the idea that if they ‘feel’ something special, they seem to be happy together and they’re generally compatible, then those are the signs to get married. Psychologically, women are more likely to experience romantic love with dominant men, even though dominant men typically demonstrate ‘less’ ability to express the kind of companionship, relational skills and emotional attachment that women ultimately desire in a life long mate. In other words, if a woman just follows her feelings, she is more likely to fall in love with a guy who will thrill her for twelve to eighteen months as a boyfriend and then frustrate her for five to six decades as a husband.

            Guys, on the other hand, are more inclined to experience romantic love with women they are attracted to physically, yet physical appearance is that which is most likely to change in a person’s life. Marriage isn’t about being young together; it’s about growing old together. Physically, as human beings, our bodies change as we get older. If you don’t marry with that in mind, you’re going to make a major mistake – perhaps the biggest mistake of your life.

            We should be careful about what draws us into marriage. Hence it is the ‘why’ that comes first before the ‘who’ in marriage. Sadly, what draws most people into marriage is rarely the ingredient that serves long – term happiness in marriage. Understanding this alone will help you make a wiser choice.

            This does not mean infatuation, or the initial physical attraction is bad in itself. It is fine to appreciate physical beauty. However, to base it as a complete foundation for a lasting relationship is preposterous and downright absurd. Infatuation has led far more people astray than into satisfying marriages. Both Scripture and science testify that making a life – time decision about who to marry primarily on the basis of romantic attraction is a very foolish thing to do. Don’t let your emotions govern your relationship. Think wisely and go slow. Remember the ‘why’ comes before the ‘who’ in a successful marriage. Once the ‘why’ is set, then you can decide about to make the ‘who’ fit with your ‘why’.

            With that being said, what are the signs of infatuation? Dr. Helen Fisher, a pre – eminent biological anthropologist gives us the following neurological markers,

·         The lover focuses on the beloved’s better traits and overlooks or minimizes flaws.

·         Infatuated people exhibit extreme energy, hyper – activity, sleeplessness, impulsivity, euphoria and mood swings. 

·         One or both of the partners develop a goal – oriented fixation or winning the beloved.

·         Relational passion is heightened, not weakened by adversity; the more the relationship is attacked, the more the passion grows.

·         The lovers become emotionally dependant on the relationship.

·         Partners re-order their daily priorities to remain in contact as much as humanly possible and they experience separation anxiety when apart.

·         Empathy is so powerful that many report they would ‘die for their beloved’

·         An infatuated person thinks about their lover to an obsessive degree.

·         Sexual desire is intense, and the relationship becomes marked by extreme possessiveness.

           When a person falls into the trap of ‘infatuation’, he/she begins to create an idealized picture of the person in their minds. When such a thing happens, he/she begins to rationalize and justify the weakness and focus on the strengths. They think they can fix it. But nothing could be further from the truth. When you ‘idealize’ this person to make them the kind of person you want them to be, it should be clear that in this state, you’re in no position to make an objective choice if you rely only on your feelings.

            Infatuation can happen to anybody and in that sense, it is involuntary. But as we are created in the image of God, God has empowered us with His Holy Spirit to correct and guide us. But do we seek His advice when we pursue a relationship? Research shows that the impact it has on our brain is the same when someone is into cocaine or gambling. It is like, in other words, an addiction which gives a person a high. Yet, while the fact remains that infatuation can happen to anybody, the way it affects people can vary from person to person. Not all are the same.

            Just as some people are more prone to alcoholism than others, some are genetically predisposed to ‘fall in love’ more often and more intensely. Neurologically, a person’s sense of security, self – esteem, spiritual maturity and personality all affect ‘how’ they fall in love, ‘what’ that experience feels like and the ‘intensity’ with which they feel those emotions. For example, an insecure person with low self – esteem is likely to be clingy and more obsessive about the relationship than someone who is relatively more secure with a high self – esteem. A woman from a broken home who has a high ear of abandonment often wants to rush thing to ‘lock in’ the relationship, pushing for an early engagement. She’s more concerned about avoiding another relational less than she is about finding the best possible match. Two relatively secure individuals can respect and love each other without experiencing obsessive thinking, euphoria, mood swings or desperate clinginess. The absence of these markers does not mean that they are less in love than other couples; it might just mean they are more grounded as individuals.

            Dr. Thomas Lewis once said, “Love may not be literally blind, but it does seem to be literally incapable of reason and the levels of appropriate negativity necessary for realism.” That’s what can happen when we mistake infatuation for love. The problem with feelings is that it is like sand in an hour glass where it will last only for a while. After that, then what? In fact studies suggest that romantic attachment is more powerful than the sex drive. Neurologically speaking, it’s easier to say no to physical passion that it is to regulate the ends of emotional infatuation. If you have found yourself in such a situation, there’s nothing to feel guilty or bad about it however, you need to understand that as soon as you become infatuated, you could become vulnerable and stupid. Hence it is important to introspect and see if what you’re going through is an infatuation or not. Don’t trust yourself. Seek help. Go for counselling, talk with your family or a close friend about it who wishes the best for you about it; recognize what’s going on and set some safeguards.

            If you enter the battle without the guidance of friends, family members, pastoral support or worse, if you don’t pray and seek guidance from God, you’re likely to ignore obvious cues and even defend indefensible behaviour. You can’t be fully objective when infatuation takes root, so it’s foolish not to listen to others who aren’t in the ‘crazy state’ that you are in.

            So what is it that one should consider when it comes to a future spouse? In one word, it is ‘godliness’. There is nothing like marrying a godly person. This is not to say that the person you wish to marry is going to be the perfect person but in as much he/she has his/her weakness, they are aware of it and seek God above all else. That is in as much as they fall down they are ready to pick themselves up, ask for God’s forgiveness and move towards Him.

            One thing we need to keep in mind is that although marital choice is crucial, it does not define us. It is our relationship with God that defines us. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Let the pursuit of marriage be one of joy, one you undertake with your closest eternal companion – God Himself – walking with you.

            You’re not trying to replace God by finding your perfect match – that’s desperation. You are already perfectly loved and looking for someone who can help you grown in and share that love – that’s security. Christians should never be defined by the word ‘desperate’. We   are already loved, well cared for, adored by the One, who knows us best and secure in His acceptance, love, affirmation and purpose.

            Our search for a life mate, a spouse, isn’t one of desperation but rather one of patiently looking for someone with whom we can share God’s love and live out God’s purpose. Perhaps the question that should be asked is, “Can this person walk with me toward God?” It’s not selfish to choose wisely in marriage; it’s being a good steward of the one life God has given you. Ask yourself, “Will this person I’m considering help me run the race God has laid out before me or will they act like an anchor dragging at my feet?”

            Also it is important to be aware that the person you choose to marry will be your future kid’s mom/dad, so a person’s suitability to fulfil that role needs to be taken into consideration. A certain degree of friendship and compatibility can foster he maintenance of a spiritual bond. These are all important issues that should be added to the overarching end of a shared spiritual mission.

            Discerning someone’s character, true values and suitability for marriage is hard work. It takes time, counsel and a healthy does of objective self – doubt and scepticism. When individuals marry on an infatuation binge without seriously considering character, compatibility, life goals, family desires, spiritual health and other important concerns, they eventually discover that they had made a mistake in their choice, once the infatuation and emotional feelings fades away and the relationship requires work.

            The sad reality is that when we get married for trivial reasons, we will ask divorce for trivial reasons. We need something much more lasting on which to base a lifelong commitment – one that has eternal implications.

            If someone is willing to marry you without doing the hard work of determining whether you’re suitable to be their spouse and their future kid’s parent, what makes you think they’ll do the hard work of building a satisfying, God – honouring marriage? The ‘way’ someone chooses to get married is a good indicator of the work they’ll put in after the wedding takes place in order to make the marriage grow. If someone cuts corners in the decision process – willing to risk their own your happiness on something precarious as an infatuation – how do you know they won’t want to cut corners when it comes to the nitty – gritty work of building material intimacy stitch by stitch?

            How foolish it would be to let a neurochemical reaction guaranteed to fade in a matter of months lead us to make a life long decision! Falling in love, is something to evaluate, not something you should slavishly give yourself over to. In as much as ‘falling in love’ can be a very pleasant obsession, it can also turn out to be a false god.

            Love in the truest sense of the word is not an emotion; it’s a policy and a commitment that we choose to keep in the harshest of circumstances. Infatuation fills our eyes with what we’re getting while a Biblical based love fills our minds with what we are committing to give. It is something that can be learned and that we can grow in. It is not based on the worthiness of the person being loved since none of us deserves Christ’s sacrifice but on the contrary it is based on the worthiness of the One Who calls us to love: “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

            To sum up all that has been said, Christian life is a journey towards love growing in love, expanding in our ability to love, surrendering our hearts to love increasingly becoming a person motivated by love. However, this kind of love is not a love that is seen in couples who display the most emotion, the biggest smiles on their faces, who can’t keep their hands off each other; but rather, the women and men who, through the duties of sacrifice of marriage, have trained themselves to love with God’s love. They walk out the gospel on a daily basis forgiving, serving and putting others first in the most ordinary issues of life in such a way that they see themselves in training for godliness. Such a couple will grow together, as surely sentimental couples will grow apart.

            Marriage is not for the faint – hearted. It requires strength and courage. May we as we celebrate Valentine’s day, strive to grow in that love that comes from God and share it in the way Our Blessed Lord did. God bless!