ARE
MARRIAGES MADE IN HEAVEN?
Mario
D’Couto
As is often believed or thought of, it would seem that marriages
are made in heaven. I mean like in the sense who would not want to spend the
rest of one’s life with one’s beloved and yet when we look at reality, it seems
far from what has been thought of. The number of divorces that are happening only
seem to prove the point. From entrepreneurs and philanthropists such as Bill Gates
and Melinda French to celebrities such as Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet, this is
only the tip of the iceberg of a problem that seems to be happening in many
places. As a single guy, I ask myself that if two people come in total freedom
with the intention of committing to love, honour, respect and cherish each
other for life, what drives them to break up or why do such people split up? What
if marriages and relationships were made to make us holy rather than happy and
emotionally satisfied?
For centuries, Christian spirituality was virtually
synonymous with celibate spirituality which in other words implied that in
order to become or be holy and if one is married or in a relationship, it would
be rather difficult to lead a life of holiness rather than seeing how God could
use one’s marriage or relationship to grow in character, in prayer, in worship
and in service. Rather than develop a spirituality in which marriage or being
in a relationship could serve in the pursuit of holiness, it was always thought
that married couples should mimic
‘single spirituality’ without
neglecting their family. The family was seen more as an obstacle than as a means
for spiritual growth. The reason a marital relationship is seen as
‘selfish’
is because people get into it for selfish reasons or to put it mildly, for misplaced
motivations. The truth however is that marriages can be one of the most selfless
states a Christian can enter. It can be a setting, full of opportunities to
foster spiritual growth and service to God.
Married life, when understood in its proper context,
forces us to face some character issues in
ourselves which we would never have had
to face otherwise. Family life is clearly not a compromise and if you have been
married for a while, you realize that the emphasis on celibacy to be holy can
be a bit slightly overblown. All things considered, the sexual aspect takes up
just a fraction of a couple’s time. The real transforming work of marriage is
the 24 hours a day, 7 days a week commitment. This is the crucible that grinds
and shapes us into the character of Our Blessed Lord. Instead of getting up at
3 a.m. to begin prayers in a monastery, the question becomes
‘Who will wake
up when the baby’s diaper needs changing?’ or ‘
What will you do if your
spouse or kid who is not keeping well, needs to be tended to or taken to the
doctor?’ When marriage or for that matter, being in a relationship, is
looked at from this standpoint, it calls us to an entirely new and selfless life.
The author Katherine Anne Porter once wrote, “
Love
must be learned and learned again and again; there is no end to it. Hate needs
no instruction but waits only to be provoked.” It’s easy to destroy but
difficult to build. Our natural response is to look inward about what more can
we get for ourselves and this is precisely because of the sin of concupiscence
(original sin). It’s no wonder that infatuation happens more often than real love.
Infatuation in itself is not wrong but it has to be purified. It so happens that
sometimes in divorce cases, one spouse may say something like,
‘I never loved
you’ and when such a statement is made, it actually implies that
‘I never
acted like a Christian’ because “We love because He first loved us”
(1 John 4:19) (if the word ‘love’ is understood in its proper context).
While no doubt things such as sacrifice, empathy,
understanding and communication are paramount in any marriage or relationship
to be fulfilling and meaningful, keeping in mind the needs of others above one’s
self and wanting to serve, one thing I think we should beware of or be cautious
about is the inner reality behind external actions. For example, Jesus said that
we can do the right thing
(give money or do charity for instance) for the
wrong reasons
(to show off) wherein we lose our reward (Matthew 6: 1
-4). Without a doubt, our service can be subject to wrong motivation.
It is certainly possible a spouse might render service in
an attempt to exert their own superiority. Otto Piper in his book, “Biblical
view of sex and marriage” explains it in the following way, “Strong
personalities are tempted to assume one – sidedly the whole responsibility for
their marriage. Rather than ask their partner to perform certain services, they
want to do everything themselves. While it looks like sacrificial love, this is
in fact a passion to dominate the other person.” This in other words points
to the fact that service isn’t just about washing someone else’s feet. At times
it is about letting your own feet washed. At the same time, it is also
important to note that doing an act of service has to be done willingly and not
grudgingly or complaining or whining away.
Marriage or being in a relationship in the Christian context
is not so much about what we ‘get’ from it but what we ‘become’ through
it. To become a servant is to become spiritually strong. It means we are free
from the petty demands and grievances that ruin so many lives and turn so many
hearts into bitter cauldrons of disappointment, self – absorption and self –
pity. There is true joy when true service is offered with a true heart.
Sadly, dating, in today’s world, seems as though it is
largely a dance in which we try to put our best foot forward which may hardly
be a good preparation for the inevitable self – disclosure implied in marriage.
The temptation to impress for the wrong reasons can always lurk around. It is
therefore not surprising as to why many marriages end in divorces or may relationships
break up where one or both partners are running from their own revealed
weaknesses as much as they are running from something they can’t tolerate in
their spouse or partner.
Whether you are single, in a relationship or married, I
think that the reference point for each of us is how much are we truly ready to
love the other, keeping in mind that to truly love someone is to will the good
of the other. If you are in a relationship or are married or going to get or
thinking of marriage, I would like to quote the words of Gary Thomas which I
think is something we all can learn as he writes in his book,
“Sacred Marriage”,
“If the purpose of my marriage is simply to make me happy and enjoy an
infatuation, then I’d have to get a new marriage every two to three years. But if
I really wanted to see God transform me from inside out, I’d need to concentrate
on changing myself rather than changing my spouse.” Elsewhere he goes on to
explain,
“I believe that much of the dissatisfaction we experience in
marriage comes from expecting too much from it. Though marriage is an amazing
institution that reflects God’s creative genius, when we want to get the
largest portion of our life’s fulfilment from our relationship with our spouse,
that’s asking too much. God did not design marriage to compete with Himself but
to point us to Himself. Yes, without a doubt, there should be moments of
happiness, meaning and a general sense of fulfilment. And, of course, seeking
God together, through our marriage, is certainly fulfilling in itself. But my
wife can’t be God and I was created with a spirit that craves for God. Anything
less than God and I’ll feel an ache.”
If you are single and are contemplating about
getting married or even if you choose to be single your whole life, although
there may be times where loneliness can ache, it can be a good time for soul –
searching, getting to know God really well, develop interpersonal skills
through meaningful friendships and build a healthy support of friends and
family. Yes, singleness, if lived well, can be a great time of productivity and
growth and can also be a good preparation for the married life (if that is your
calling). Let’s face it, as a married person, you would have added responsibilities,
some things which were never in your radar as a single person. When you get
married, you instantly inherit another set of relatives, another set of friends,
another set of co – workers. In most cases, marriage usually leads to having kids.
Having kids may want you to get a bigger house. Getting a bigger house could
then mean that you may need to work more to pay for that house and the list
goes on. So in other words, you slowly begin to realize that you have less time
for yourself to pursue the things you want.
God doesn’t want us to waste our singleness. It’s easy to
waste one’s singleness by letting the
years slip away by not using it productively
or making good use of it and then regretting later when we get married or when
we are in a relationship about the things we could have done, about the things
we could have learned or the people we could have served. [In this regard you
may want to check out a previous post/reflection of mine, “Standing Alone”, https://insightsfromacommonman.blogspot.com/2021/02/standing-alone.html]
Ultimately, if you choose to get married or to be single,
the reference point which we ought to use and examine from time to time is our
ability to love genuinely, to truly will the good of the other. Living the
single life with the illusion of being
‘pure’ can be as dangerous as
every bit as unbridled sensuality. C.S. Lewis explains this in his book,
“The
Four Loves”,
“If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must
give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully, round with
hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket
of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will
change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
There is the chance we can get lost in our own worlds or look too much to our own
needs which is why to truly love the other, whether as a single or a married
person, we look up to Our Blessed Lord who is the author of love, who laid down
His life on the Cross; we love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). As we
celebrate Valentine’s Day, it’s an opportunity to ask ourselves as to how much or to what level do we truly love
our spouses (if you are married),
our
partners (if you are in a relationship or in the dating phase of
getting to know your future spouse) or
others (if you choose to
live the single life and just trying to live and be the best version of yourself
in the path that God has called you to be by being charitable or making the
best use of your time, talents and resources in service to others). Until then,
God love you. Stay blessed!
