To love is to risk

 

TO LOVE IS TO RISK

Mario D’Couto

            In Genesis 2:15-17, it is written, “The Lord God brought the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And He instructed him saying, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it, you will surely die.’” Love is dangerous. It comes with so much potential for pain because true love must involve real choice. The definition of risk is to ‘expose (someone or something valued) to danger, harm or loss.’ To avoid all danger, harm or loss (i.e. risk), God would have had to remove all choice, all risk of people not loving Him but in the process of doing this, He would also have to erase any scenario of true love taking place. 

           God would have none of this ‘safe love’ because He knows this is an impossibility and in fact, it would be harmful. Rather than relational safety, God chose love for He knew He could not have both. Because of His commitment to choose love no matter the consequence, He said, “You are free …” (Genesis 2:16). As His mallet hit like a judge’s final rule in the courtroom, His decree was made, man was free to choose good or evil and there was no going back on His decision because of His love.

            With our freedom came not the possibility of our rebellion but the guarantee of it. God knows that if He was going to have a people who could choose to share in His love, He was also going to have a people who could choose against it. He placed the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the middle of the garden not wondering if we will eat it but knowing we would as we find, “for when you eat from it, you will surely die” (Genesis 2:17). Notice that is a question of ‘when’ and not ‘if’ we eat the fruit.

            What’s interesting about this whole incident is that God chose to love anyway. He knew we could choose against His love, He knew people would hurt themselves with their free choice to not love God but nevertheless, He went forward with the plan.

            Risk is only worth taking when the possibility of reward is that much greater. The consequence of rebelling against God cannot be fathomed by the human mind. Eternal punishment is a thought too big and too awful to really grasp. But for God to risk all that pain to Himself and to people, we are forced to ask the question, ‘How great must His love be?’

 

           For God to make us anyway, to risk all that pain so there would be a chance for true eternal love for some of us to enjoy forever, shows that although we cannot comprehend the punishment of being separated from His love, we certainly then would not be able to comprehend how incredible this eternal union with Him in love will be, as He truly is the God of love Who is, “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20).

            God knew we would eat the fruit but He made us anyway and He loved us anyway. Being made in His image, we too must love anyway if we are to love at all. There is no safe love. There is no romance without risk, no relationship without remorse, no true friendships without fears coming true. Choice is essential to true love and thus danger will ways be there. But like God we must remember that although pain is really a matter of ‘when’ and not ‘if’, love would not be what it is without it as C.S. Lewis wrote in his book, “The Four Loves”, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket of coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

            If you ever hope to be in a relationship or are in a relationship or married, you better get used to mistakes because you and your partner or spouse will make a ton of them. A marriage or a relationship will be smothered by an unrealistic need for flawlessness. So you may as well get used to the mess now if you hope to have a healthy, fun and shame-free marriage/relationship in the future. A word of caution though in this regard is that if one comes to know about some serious red flags in the relationship, one may need to seriously rethink about the relationship and perhaps discreetly call it off or go in for a separation (if one is married that is). Once again such decisions should be taken in the very extreme where the matter or issue is extremely grave as I believe that no one in his or her proper senses enters into a relationship or chooses to get married with the intention of separating later.

            Having said that, I think, one of the main reasons why many relationships fall apart is because most couples tend to idolize the relationship during the dating phase to the extent that God takes a back seat. Our Blessed Lord gave us the greatest commandment, to love God with all our heart, soul and mind and the second one, which is to love our neighbour as ourselves (Matthew 22: 37- 39).Notice the order, God comes first and then comes others. The problem comes when we reverse the order besides if we truly love God, we will be in a better position to love others in the way God would want us to love.

 

           From a relationship standpoint, it should be no surprise that when our hearts ache for God but go without finding Him, we quickly attach ourselves to people  because they are literally the next best thing to God given that people reflect God’s image. The strongest lure away from God is the love of another human being and while there is nothing wrong in it, it is important to be cautious that we do not take romantic love overboard to the point of expecting of what we can get from the relationship rather than we willing the good of the other. That’s why loving God and being rooted in Him is crucial. If we don’t love God and are not pursuing a relationship or treating our partner or spouse in the way He wants us to, the temptation to fall for any person or to seek extra marital affairs (if you’re married) can lurk around. We cannot afford to lower our standards and sell ourselves short just for the sake of filling up an emotional void. In fact, if we read Nehemiah 13:23-27, we see Nehemiah rebuking the Israelites harshly because he knew their sin of marrying godless spouses was dangerous following the example of King Solomon. There is every possibility of idolizing the relationship or anything for that matter over God and so the only way to deal with it is to pursue God first. In the context of a relationship, if we are not pursuing God first and don’t have our moral lives in order or if we are not making the effort to be good, we would probably fall for anyone or anything to fill up the void.

            So why do we idolize love?  Perhaps the answer lies in the way love is portrayed, whether it is the movies, T.V. shows, social media and so on; it is portrayed as a feeling or an emotion. While to an extent, there is some element of truth to it, it does not give us the complete picture. Real love is different from reel love, the love that we find portrayed in movies, T.V. shows, soap operas and so on. Real love demands effort. It is a virtue that involves sacrifice, responsibility and a total commitment to the other person. C.S. Lewis explains this in his book, “Mere Christianity” in the following words, “Being in love is a good thing but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it but there are also many things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling but it is still a feeling … Who could bear to live in the excitement of even five years? …… But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense – love as distinct from ‘being in love’ – is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit, reinforced by the grace which both parents ask and receive from God. They can have this love for each other, even at those moments when they did not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep this promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run; ‘being in love’ was the explosion that started it” which goes to point the difference between ‘being in love’ and ‘love’ itself. If I were to put it in another way, ‘being in love’ can be equated with ‘Hollywood love’, the love that we all see in the movies. But the actual love itself, is demanding and sacrificial and is not some sweet cotton-candy stuff, like the warm fuzzy feelings that create butterflies in the stomach when a man and woman or a boy and a girl are together. Thus feelings or allowing our emotions to get the better of us can be damaging because feelings arise spontaneously. The attraction which one person feels towards another often begins suddenly and expectedly but this reaction is in effect ‘blind’ which is why our feelings alone do not make a good compass for guiding our relationships for when feelings dominate, it blurs our reasoning which does not help us to see the truth about the other person.

            Another major culprit for inducing this kind of false euphoria where after the fire of excitement in the relationship has faded and nothing seems to make sense in the relationship, is social media. While social media can cause the single person to get perturbed where he or she sees his or her friends being in a relationship or getting married and while he or she is trying to figure out why nothing seems to be working out in his or her love life, it’s important to ask the question ‘Why do I want to be in a relationship in the first place?’ The ‘Why’ of our relationship will set the course of our love lives, for better or for worse. If one were to think that getting married is the cure for loneliness, purposeless or friendlessness (or being without any friends), he or she is being very foolish and the person choosing to marry such a person would be equally foolish as well. Marriage or being in a relationship doesn’t solve emptiness; it exposes it. Hence, it’s important to pursue someone (if you are single) who has a solid core. If someone cannot live without you, he or she will never be happy living with you either.

            With the dating apps at our fingertips, it seems to have reduced courtship and dating to a game, adding to our dopamine rush only to leave us later feeling more empty as Dr. Edward Sri explains in his book, “Men, women and the mystery of love”, “Social media makes it even easier for us to idolize others. We notice a person’s photo and it sparks a curiosity. We view their profile, look at other pictures and read their posts. Soon we’re ‘stalking’ them. We barely know this person in real life but from what we see on screens, we make him/her out to be a very special person we hope to date someday. We read a lot more into things that is really there, as one young adult explained, ‘Your brain can’t help but fill in the gaps. You create a character in your head but it’s not the real person.’

            Many romantic relationships start out this way. Someone sends you a message. You respond. They craft a perfect response and seem very interesting, even though they may not be that way in person. It’s easy to flirt and say things in a message that you’d never say face-to-face. Soon you share something personal and they respond just the right way, with empathy or encouragement. You are becoming emotionally attached. Meanwhile you find yourself giving a lot of thought as to what image you want to project of yourself: witty, compassionate, deep and fun. Next thing you know, you’re in a romantic relationship even though you’re not truly encountered the real person and the other person has not gotten to know the real you. You’ve both only been taken in the images you’ve carefully projected of yourselves – ideal images, not your true selves. In such a relationship you will remain unsatisfied since you ultimately desire to be known and loved for who you really are.” While no doubt there are exceptions to this, I suppose, you get the point – there is more to love than what meets the eye.

            So what’s the solution? If you’re married, you can check out my other blogpost/reflection, “Are marriages made in heaven?” [here's the link to it, https://insightsfromacommonman.blogspot.com/2022/02/are-marriages-made-in-heaven.html] where I try to explain how marriage can and should lead to holiness. But if you’re single, here are some things you may want to keep in mind. As previously mentioned, one of the biggest misconceptions about marriage is that your spouse will fill all your relational needs. But that certainly isn’t the case since your spouse is just that, your spouse! While no doubt, if you get married, your spouse should be your closest and best confidante, yet he or she cannot be all that you need relationally, not to mention that you will eventually have to cross quite a few hurdles in a relationship or in marriage (if you choose to pursue such a path). Who will you turn to when you encounter such situations in your relationship? Counsellors are helpful but they don’t need to be your go-to-person whenever you have an issue in your relationship or marriage. That’s where building a healthy rapport of family and friends comes in. The fact of the matter is that there is no guarantee you will get married. Hence if you waste your 20s and 30s never making good friends, it only gets harder as time goes on because other people are likely getting married (and if that happens, you can be assured that it can be challenging because once a person gets married, new responsibilities come in and there may not be much time available as compared to when they were single. I can vouch from my own personal experience that some of my friends who I grew up with and have spent a major chunk of my time, are not so much in touch after marriage). The point is being single at a younger age gives you the opportunity to make lasting friendships because everyone else has more time too. Then when people get older, they can enjoy the close friendships they built earlier in life rather than try to build those friendships later in life which takes way more effort because married people generally have less time. This is not to say that it would not be possible to make great friends later in life. However, when you are young and single, the chances are more. If you waste your singleness, you would be wasting opportunities to build lifelong friendships. So invest your time and energy into developing well rounded relationships. If you don’t have healthy relationships with your family, with friends, with the people you are mentoring, with the people you are being mentored by, with your local community, with your neighbour, with people who have common interests as you – if you don’t have a robust relationship network with the different kind people who play a different role in your life, there is a chance you could feel lonely to some degree.

            The funny thing is that those who have healthy relationships that are not romantic in nature are often the ones who find romantic love sooner. By having a healthy, well – balanced relational life, it will in turn help you become a well – rounded person who will be attractive to suitors. Additionally, by having more relationships that are not romantic in nature, you will also give yourself a greater network of people that will naturally help you find a romantic partner. This is not to say that everyone should start going for blind dates although the more people you know, the more people they will introduce you to. At the same time, its important to be careful with whom you spend time and associate with. Not all will have your best interest at heart which is why praying to God to help you get to the right people is crucial.

            Thus, having said, that when you’re single, you have a lot more time to think about yourself, to heal the wounds that you may have experienced in your earlier years as a child or just to figure out what you want to do with your life. It’s always much more ideal to do this soul work when you’re single. We’ll constantly be growing throughout life but if you never take the time to do some meaningful reflection on your inner health when you’re single, odds are you won’t when you get into a relationship either. Worst of all, if such issues are not dealt during one’s singleness, the issues can be carried forward into one’s relationship or marriage which can be harmful.

            At a practical level, singleness provides an amazing opportunity to pursue the career and education goals that you have in life. You can pursue that degree when you’re married with kids but it would, in all likelihood, be even more harder because of the other responsibilities that come along with married life. If you have ambition for something, set yourself up for long-term success by putting in the work when it’s more convenient. Pursuing goals and doing soul work will never be convenient but it is more convenient when you are single. Don’t waste the opportunity! Besides, if you are not strong enough to handle life’s challenges and issues when you’re single, how would you be able to face and handle such situations when you get married or are in a relationship because there will be and probably with a greater intensity! How you spend your days now during your time of singleness will be how you spend your life. If you are not careful, you will waste it on stupid luxuries and little pleasures that are gone in an instant. Being intentional about how you use your singleness therefore is crucial if you want to avoid wasting it. Most of all, singleness can be a blessing which offers a life that is less cluttered which gives one the opportunity to spend more time with Our Blessed Lord. No doubt, marriage will also help you grow in your walk with God too but singleness has its own unique blessings that you won’t have during any other time in your life.

           Now despite your best efforts, there will be moments where in a relationship you may rub shoulders with your spouse or partner the wrong way and in the bargain, you may get hurt. To forgive someone who has hurt you especially when you know and love the person can be a bitter pill to swallow. If you are single now but hope to be in a relationship someday, some of the best preparation you can do will be is to learn how to be forgiving. Just ask any couple how many times they fought and they will probably give you a list of different occasions where such things have happened. The point to note however is not so much about the absence of conflict as the benchmark of a successful relationship but rather is the conflict leading to a stronger bonding. This can only happen when there is a spirit of openness on the side of both partners and forgiveness is going to play a huge role in it. As seen before, when we idolize our relationship and fantasize of having a fairy-tale, blissful, happily-ever-after-like relationship, it’s never going to happen. We cannot afford to allow our heads get stuck in the clouds. Yes, no one for sure, chooses to be in a relationship or get married with the intention of fighting and arguing however, if you are single and really want a great marriage in the future, you will be wise to learn about forgiveness during your singleness and if you are already married or are in a relationship, maybe it’s time to step up your love-life by becoming more forgiving if you haven’t.

            The fact of the matter is if you ever hope to love anyone, the possibility for hurt will never leave and thus forgiveness will always be deeply needed. Hence we see why Our Blessed Lord spent so much time teaching us to forgive one another. Divorces don’t happen after years of sinning and cruelty towards one another. Divorces happen after years of sinning and cruelty towards one another without there being any repentance and forgiveness.

            The main difference between a healthy friendship and a broken friendship is that one friendship is committed to forgiving the offenses and moving on in love and the other friendship never forgives and thus can never move on.

            Church splits don’t happen because the members of the Church hurt each other, rebel against the priest or the pastor or because of sin. Church splits happen when the people of God are not willing to admit their sins, repent and are not eager to forgive one another when these things do happen because eventually they will. Thus if we have prepared our hearts before the hurt even occurs, we will equip ourselves better to forgive those who have hurt us deeply knowing forgiveness will eventually be needed.

            Our Blessed Lord knew from experience that if we want to be happy in our relationship, it’s not going to happen by finding perfect people who never let us down. Knowing that Peter would betray Him, Our Blessed Lord did not write him off saying, ‘You know …. I was wrong about you. You’ve really hurt Me deeply. I was planning on starting My Church with you. But now that you sinned against Me, it’s over!’ He knew the only way He would be able to have a relationship with those He loved would be if He was willing to forgive them often. Hence before Peter betrayed Our Blessed Lord, He predicted he would deny Him three times and already planned to forgive him before the offense even took place (Luke 22:32).

            So if people are going to hurt us deeply, even the people whom we love the most, how can we protect ourselves from becoming hard hearted people who never risk being vulnerable? How can we avoid becoming the type of people who protect themselves from hurt by choosing to feel nothing but in the process they also cut themselves off from feeling love? How are we to forgive people after we have already forgiven them so many times before? The answer is found in Matthew 18:33, “Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” The way you will find the love to forgive those who have hurt you deeply is by basing your love not in the one who wronged you but in the One who has never wronged you – God.

            The only way you will be able to forgive the other after he or she sins against you again and again is to do it for the sake of the Master who has forgiven you again and again. To have the motivation to forgive others of much, you will have to do it out of your gratitude for the One who has forgiven you much more. Because we are eager for the full redemption that awaits us even though we don’t deserve it, we should be eager to give this relational redemption to those who are in our debt.

            Thus it is for God’s sake and not so much for people’s sake that we are to forgive unconditionally as He forgives us unconditionally. Because Our Blessed Lord was secure in the love of His Father and sought to please Him alone above all else, He was free to forgive even when others did not deserve it. He was able to be vulnerable with the people He knew who were to going to hurt Him deeply because He was secure in His Father’s love and that’s what He expects from us too.

            Irrespective of whether we are or are not in a relationship, no one can satisfy our heart’s longing like the way God does. Human love can fall short in many places. To love is indeed a risk but as seen before, it would not be what it is without it. So while the single person may see his or her friends in a relationship or married, it does not mean that their lives are any better than the single person’s life. When one learns to appreciate the unconditional love of God, there’s a peace that one experiences that can’t be described; that’s when life still makes sense despite the confusion and uncertainty that come along with it and hence keeping that in mind, we can infer as to why if you are single, it’s wise to look out for or pursue someone who can help you walk in your journey with God and you, in turn, help your partner do the same, for every successful relationship, is not about two people but three – man, woman and God. It is God who helps a couple wither the storms of life and sustain it in its darkest moments. This however would not be possible if one is not rooted and truly convinced of being loved by God unconditionally as he or she is.