Feeling at home

FEELING AT HOME

Mario D’Couto

             A home is not and should never be understood as a physical structure that is built from bricks and stones. It is one that is made up of the warmth and the cordial aura around the place. Caught up with the hustle and bustle of life, this is something that we could miss or take for granted and yet it is something that is so essential for us as human beings. So what are the ingredients that go into being at home.

        

       A home includes two things, namely, a sense of security and a sense of belonging. Above all, it represents protection – a place where we can retreat from the trials of the outside world. For example, a student can feel at home in the modest quarters he occupies during his college years. Books, papers, a laptop, a stray coffee cup or two – all attest to the fact that the simple room is his dwelling.

            This contented feeling accompanies him when he leaves the room to follow his daily schedule because he knows he has a home to come back to. Attending classes, having lunch with friends or fellow students, jostling with the crowd intent upon catching the bus – none of those activities robs him of his feeling of going home. He knows that, that part of this feeling has to do with a sense of security in his daily situation. Yet he cannot say that the physical situation in which he finds himself constitutes this feeling entirely. There is something deeper.

           He recalls being with his friends one evening. The apartment was alive with spirited conversation. He contributed to the give and take – noticing the warm blend of silence and speech, of listening and responding, of being present to the other and to himself. Being at home is to be with one another and also to one’s self. It could include the ‘hum’ of friendly conversation, the smell of good cooking, or just the mere fact of appreciating the company of the other while at the same time being comfortable with one’s self.

            Feeling at home is not an emotion to define but an aura of familiarity, a sense of things fitting together, of belonging, of harmony and order. The home our parents provided for us as infants, the feelings of warmth and security we experienced are forever models for our future homes. There are many who don’t have access to it but the lack of it gives us the idea of what having a home means. This original shelter is essential for our survival and we never outgrow our need for it. Yet, this should in no way lead to complacency.

            While the security of the home provides relaxation and refreshment, there is the danger of falling into the trap of complacency since there is every possibility of getting too cozy within our comfort zone that we just don’t want to come out of it. In such an environment, one becomes ‘handicapped’ to take risks. It leads to a fossilization and everything becomes dry. In this frame of mind, a person makes home merely a secure nook of togetherness and support, out of which the challenge of love has been drained. In such an environment, a person closes himself off from the dying to his self – centred needs that is involved in true love – the dying that implies being misunderstood and having his ideas rejected from time to time.

            Shoulder to shoulder with other human beings, he is bound to encounter failure; he is not going to accept everyone easily or be accepted by all. He is going to encounter some rejection no matter how loving a community is. It could be possible that because of this kind of attitude that he has, he may also have or harbour unrealistic expectations of community life, seeking deeply fulfilling relationships without the inevitable suffering that goes with love. When these expectations are not met, he may feel compelled to leave and seek the ‘idol of warmth’ elsewhere. But that ‘elsewhere’ never comes. Rejection and misunderstanding are part of the human condition. No change of residence will alter this fact.

            It is important to realize that all genuine life comes through death. Often the feeling of being at home come across only after one has passed through the crisis of alienation, disharmony and non – acceptance. Even when there is turmoil all around someone, he or she can still experience a sense of inner peace. If I do not feel quiet within, then no matter what anyone does to make me feel at home, it would not change or alter my discomfort.

       When a person is at home with himself, he is at rest. This becomes possible when we realize how we are all loved by God unconditionally. Hence, in the midst of difficulties, the realization that God is with me helps me be at home with myself. Our Blessed Lord was at home with Himself because of His union with His Father. He had come to do His will and then, as Son of God, He would return to His Father’s house.

            In the Gospels too, Our Blessed Lord said, “Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head” (Luke 9:58) and while this verse can be interpreted in many ways, we could also infer by saying that perhaps Our Blessed Lord was also hinting not to search for the perfect home here on earth. We must pass through the crucible of earthly limits into that joyous homecoming that lies beyond this present life. We must let go of our emotional need for that idealized place. We must be careful not to attach too much significance to harmonious togetherness. In one phrase, it is knowing who you are, accepting yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses and most importantly, with all those things there, you are God Almighty’s beloved son or daughter.