Man - Up!
MAN
– UP!
Mario
D’Couto
I probably should have posted this on International Men’s
day but here I am posting after a couple of months. This
article/reflection/blogpost was rather a matter of chance. I had not originally
intended to write something along these lines. But having celebrated my 33rd
birthday sometime back, it gave me some time to think about how time has gone
by, the things that have happened and where am I heading.
In our current situation, the uncertainty of life has
never been more strongly felt than before but the question that pops up is ‘What
have I done to prepare myself to face the situation when it comes knocking on
my door?’ I probably would save that for another blogpost/reflection but
from a “guy’s perspective”, what I would like to focus on in this blogpost/reflection
is, ‘What does it take to be a man?’ I believe that there are a lot more
qualities to being a man than just being so because of one’s biological
disposition. They are,
A)
Ownership
By
the very word, the obvious meaning that it implies is responsibility.
If I know I have messed up somewhere, I know that I have to take responsibility
for my actions because only then change is possible. As long as a person denies
he is sick when actually he is sick, no cure is possible,
B)
Humility
This
point flows from the previous one but it can perhaps be one of the most
challenging ones. Each of us is born into a community, into a society of people
who have gone before us. Today, we have been taught that we are the makers of
our own reality and while I do agree with it to an extent since ultimately our
actions are based on the choices we make, none of us is an isolated individual.
We
are all contextual beings and as Isaac Newton would say, “If I have seen
further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants”, we learn from
the people around us and from those who have gone before us, which is why I
feel that if we are not careful, we could fall into the trap of arrogance and
pride rather than striving to become docile and humble.
The
word ‘tradition’ is not be understood as some kind of archaic customs of
the past. While no doubt, there may be things that are not applicable or
relevant given the context and circumstances of a given situation, if not for
anything, it is because of the mistakes from the past that we have learned to
correct ourselves for the future.
To
solely focus on one’s strengths and to ignore the areas of development would
not take one far ahead.
C)
Conviction
Conviction
can be another challenging quality but if one learns to live by it, it can be
liberating. For instance, what differentiates us from animals? In many ways,
there are quite a few similarities but the one thing that an animal cannot do
which only the human person can is to think, choose and act accordingly.
The
world offers a thousand temptations and some of them can even seem harmless at
first but then when we give into it little by little, over a period of time, we
know what to expect – we become what we repeatedly do.
Sociologists
speak of two kinds of values: intrinsic and extrinsic values. Intrinsic values
motivate us to do things when we know we will get nothing in return. We do
these things because they are the right thing to do or because we find joy in
doing them. We do them as ends in themselves. Examples of this would include
striving to live a pure life, standing for truth and so on. Extrinsic values,
on the other hand, motivate us to do things to win the approval of others –
such things as working hard to get a promotion, working out to impress women
with your physique or perhaps buying a new car as a status symbol. If we are to
be men of integrity, we must be motivated first and foremost by intrinsic
values. We must do the right thing for the right reasons.
This
brings me to another crucial point about conviction where one cannot develop
sound convictions if one does not adhere to an objective morality. While modern
thought would like to think of morality as relative, the fact of the matter is
that we cannot be truly authentic, if we don’t have a firm foundation for what
we do and why we do. In the pursuit of developing one’s convictions, one can
develop false convictions or convictions that are not good. To say ‘yes’
to something is to say ‘no’ to something else. Good and bad cannot co –
exist. We can try to define our own concept of existence but it does not change
reality and if our concept of existence does not correspond with reality, we
may as well consider ourselves living a delusion.
Unprincipled pragmatism is inconsistent with authentic manhood. Mature men do not make decisions based on whims, convenience, emotions or whatever happens to be the least painful. They rely on objective principles, on truth and justice, to choose the right thing to do. This is possible only when he is able to acknowledge a higher law, an objective truth to which he pledges allegiance. As a Christian and a Catholic, I believe this is what enabled the early Christians to give their lives for Christ which brings me to the next point – suffering (to understand more about the dangers of relativism, check out my other blogpost/reflection, https://insightsfromacommonman.blogspot.com/2020/03/am-i-my-brothers-keeper.html, “Am I my brother’s keeper?")
D)
Suffering
Growth
is painful but the struggle is the very thing that breeds new strength as the
U.S. Marines say, “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”
It’s
interesting to note that despite suffering’s ability to make us stronger, we
spend much of our lives trying to avoid it. Comfort can become an idol in
itself, whereby, suffering becomes the greatest evil and pleasure becomes the
greatest good. This also explains the root cause of many addictions, for in
most of them, the end result is to numb the pain or provide some form of escape
from reality rather than facing a problem or challenge head – on and trying to
find a solution for it.
Real
men know how to suffer. They don’t seek it out but they recognize that
suffering is a fact of life. They don’t shirk from it or whimper or complain
about it; rather they embrace it and learn how to harness it. Brokenness is a
reality we all must face. Realizing this truth and accepting it is the first
step toward freedom.
Of
course, suffering isn’t good in itself. However, it is only by accepting the
consequences of it can we pass through the crucible of disorder and decay to
the glory on the other side.
Suffering,
be it physical, emotional or spiritual, provides an opportunity for growth. It
can help us develop wisdom, compassion and fortitude. As Christians, suffering
can take greater meaning in the light of the Passion, Death and Resurrection of
Our Blessed Lord. Our sufferings, no matter how small they may be, contain a
spiritual energy, that can be activated and harnessed when we unite those
sufferings to those of Christ. When we choose to lovingly ‘offer up’ our
sufferings, they are in a way transformed into something new and dynamic,
something that can be used for the good of ourselves and others. In this way, we
participate mysteriously in the eternal sacrifice of Calvary.
The
rushing waters of a river can be dangerous and even deadly. But when channelled
into a turbine, they can be harnessed in order to generate enough electricity
for a small town. We can choose to see the sufferings of this life as merely
negative or we can activate them and endow them with a greater power – the
power to convert hearts and draw down many graces from heaven.
Moreover,
suffering well can be a great witness to a world that fears pain above all
else. Assisted suicide is growing in popularity for the very reason that people
would rather die than endure any discomfort. Those who know how to suffer
heroically with joy are prophetic signs to the world, signs that love is
greater than any pain we encounter.
In
some tribal cultures, they have what is called the ‘rite of initiation’
which is nothing but like a sort of ceremony that indicates the passage from
boyhood to manhood. Some of these rites are brutal and excruciating and yet
despite all that, it seems as though it is a ‘necessary evil’, just to
prove to the rest of the community that they (the young boys) are able to endure
the suffering and pain and that they have the strength and the resilience to
get pass through it.
At
prima facie, if we were to look at the initiation rites, it may seem bizarre and
even sadistic to us. Yet think about the rituals from a young boy’s
perspective, the one who has actually gone through the initiation and has
passed the process. No matter how horrific that test was that he had to face,
once it is over, he no longer has any doubt that he is a man nor does his
community. He has proven that he has what it takes and no one can take away
that achievement. Whenever he hears the whispers of doubt about the
authenticity of his manhood, he need only remember that he passed the test.
We
may not witness this kind of initiation in our own societies but a similar
process can definitely be seen in military training, not so much to prove one’s
manhood but rather to prove that he can endure physical and psychological
suffering and the more he is equipped, the better he will be in a position to
protect others from harm, which is one of our primary tasks as men, to protect
the weak and vulnerable, especially women and children. A classic example of
this is the gruelling boot camp for aspiring Navy SEALs known informally as the
“Hell Week”.
Maturity
is learning to live with the tension. The ultimate witness of the power of
suffering endured with love is the Cross. In His Passion, Christ teaches us
that true love does not flee from pain or death but rather transfigures them.
Fr. Ronald Rolheiser in his book, “Wrestling with God”, tells
us that Jesus took away the sins of the world not by some magic act but by
holding, carrying, purifying and transforming tension. He did this by taking in
the bitterness, anger, jealousy, hatred, slander and every other kind of
cancerous negativity within the human community and not giving it back in kind.
In
essence, Jesus did this by acting like a purifier, a water filter of sorts: He
took in hatred, held it, transformed it and gave back love; He took in
bitterness, held it, transformed it and gave back graciousness; He took in
curses, held them, transformed it and gave back blessings; and He took in
murder, held it, transformed it and gave back forgiveness. Jesus resisted the
instinct to give back in kind – hatred for hatred, curses for curses, jealousy
for jealousy, murder for murder. He held and transformed these things rather
than transmit them.
As
men, after the example of Christ, Jesus invites us to become a purifier, a ‘lamb
of God’, who helps take tension out of our families, communities,
friendship circles, Churches and workplaces by holding and transforming it
rather than simply giving it back in kind.
This,
certainly is, not easy. While Our Blessed Lord did set the example, the Gospels
tell us that He had to ‘sweat blood’ to achieve it. To carry tension is
to fill ourselves with tension and this can be unbearable. So how do we deal
with this? The answer is to be connected with something higher than ourselves,
who is none other than God Himself. Two vivid examples that come to my mind in
regard to this is the death of St. Stephen, the first martyr (from the Acts of
the Apostles) and the three young men from the Book of Daniel who were cast
into the fire because they did not give up their faith nor did they worship the
pagan god. These and several of the early Christian martyrs in the Church were
able to witness and spread the love of Christ by their example because they
held on to their belief in God.
As
men, we must not fear the inevitable but when the crosses of this life came our
way, we must carry them with strong, heroic hearts, remembering the words of
St. Paul who wrote, “I consider that the sufferings of this present time
are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us”
(Romans 8:18)
The society we live in today equates masculinity mainly
in terms of machoness and bravado but as we have seen, it take s a lot more to
live one’s manhood authentically and while I am not trying to downplay the
importance of physical fitness or having a good physique, the ultimate question
is for what? Not being physically strong or muscular with a bodybuilder’s
physique does not make one less of a man. It is an added bonus but ultimately
if one is not strong from within, I am not sure how much of one’s physical
strength is actually impressive? It’s like having the best tools in one’s hand
and not knowing how to use it.
Our Blessed Lord become one of us, the Emmanuel, God – incarnate
in flesh and blood who stands as the paradigm of manhood and as I write these
words, I know I have a long way to go but I do the best I can each day with His
grace and I pray and hope that He will bless you too as you set out on your own
path, following His will, in becoming the man He has called you to be.
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