MEN
OF VALOUR
Mario
D’Couto
To provide some context, here’s a quote I came across
where it said,
“Weak men create masculine women. Strong men create feminine
women”. Being strong as a man is not just about being able to bench-press
three times one ‘s body weight. Manhood has many faces and we would be foolish
to reduce masculinity to only one archetype. Great men throughout history lived
their masculinity in many ways. Some like Rembrandt and Shakespeare are artists
and poets who are sensitive to beauty and emotion that others miss. They
communicate the wonder of life and of human experience. Others like St. Thomas
Aquinas and Albert Einstein, are scholars who shed light on man’s deepest
questions and the mysteries of the universe. Other’s like Fred Rogers
(popularly known as Mr. Rogers) and St. Guiseppe Moscati, are relational or
physical healers who restore what is wounded. Still others, like General S.
Patton or King Sobieski of Poland, are warriors who defended what is just, good
and true.
This is not to downplay the inherent predominant
masculine traits that are present such as the desire to fight or and defend the
good and the vulnerable, an attraction to risk and danger and a desire to leave
the safety of one’s home and explore the unknown. However, not all men incarnate
these traits in the same way. Some satisfy their desire for conflict and
conquest on a chess board while others satisfy it in a boxing ring. Some enjoy
exploring the wilderness and hunting wild beasts while others get a thrill out
of conquering difficult intellectual problems and illuminating unknown realms
of thought.
It would be ridiculous to claim that Mozart wasn’t truly
masculine because he composed orchestral music instead of heavy metal nor would
it be right to say that Tolkien was less of a man because he wrote stories
instead of practicing martial arts. Men are men but not all men are the same.
God has given each man unique talents and abilities and
we shouldn’t suppress them in some misguided quest to make ourselves into
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator. Raw aggression is not the only legitimate
expression of manhood. Of course, acknowledging this truth is not an excuse to
grow flabby, weak and undeveloped. Whatever our gifts, we are called to develop
them for the glory of God and strive to be the best we can be. Whether we are
publishers or pugilists (a boxer; one who fights with his fists), we must live
with the same virtue and integrity. We must develop an inner strength, no
matter how large our biceps happen to be.
However, going back to the statement, “Weak men create
masculine women. Strong men create feminine women”, I sometimes think to
myself whether have we, as men, created the problem we are facing? To put this
in context, Dale Ahlquist has written a thought – provoking foreword to Sam
Guzman’s book, “The Catholic Gentleman” where he exhorts men to
rediscover their true identity. He uses the example of how knights were meant
to be men of valour and strength, not just at the battlefield but also in
mundane tasks such as planting, looking after a field, taking care of a family
and so on. Here’s what he writes,
“The word ‘gentleman’
has fallen into disrepute, along with the word ‘man’. There is a connection.
Gentlemen have become ungentlemanly in direct correlation with becoming
unmanly. It started, however, with gentlemen not doing their bit.
It is a paradox that the word ‘gentleman’ was
traditionally applied to a man not associated with gentleness, as it were. It
was a word given to a knight. Knights were dubbed ‘Sir’ when they
achieved a certain valour, proving themselves brave and worthy in every respect
and often that involved bravery in battle and actions that were anything but
gentle. Along with this title, a knight was given property. He was the defender
not only of a fortress but also of a field and a family.
The knight knew how to plant and build as well as how to
fight. He also knew how to entertain, to put on a feast, to sing and to recite
poetry. And he knew how to pray. He always set an example – where he stood,
when he walked, when he sat, when he talked and when he knelt, before his lady
and his God.
Putting an armour was a rare event but a necessary one. The
knight’s greatest strength was in his restraint. He wore love and respect
without having to brandish his power. He followed an established set of rules.
He knew that freedom existed within these rules – freedom for himself and for
everyone who depended on him. He was civilized; he was not a barbarian. He was
gentle because he was polite. G.K. Chesterton points out the forgotten
connection between the words ‘polite’ and ‘police’. Both refer to self – restraint, to keeping
order, to following rules. Politeness watches over the polis, the city.
Along with politeness, which is about keeping order, the
other characteristic of a gentleman is courtesy, which as Chesterton says,
means courtly behaviour, the way a person acts in the presence of royalty. To
show courtesy, as a gentleman would do, means to treat every man as if he were
a king and every woman as if she were a queen. Courtesy is sublime humility and
charity. As Chesterton notes, St. Francis of Assisi treated even animals with
courtesy.
Politeness and courtesy both rely on self – restraint. But
as Chesterton points out, men have ‘strength in reserve’ that is sometimes
called laziness. Yes, the virtue of self – restraint, like every good thing,
can be put to wrong use, as other virtues can be corrupted into vices and a
common male weakness, laziness is the tendency to let other people do things.
But the gentleman does things for himself. It is why he is a leader and an
example. And it is why, when gentlemen started taking advantage of their
position, it sparked a bad reaction from women. The male privilege to lead
(which is to serve) became the opportunity to take and to abuse, to indulge and
simply to have one’s way. Gentlemen lost their sense of responsibility, their
sense of honour and their sense of reality.
When men stopped behaving like gentlemen, women stopped
behaving like ladies. Women started asserting their rights because men had
stopped recognizing others. Women started doing manly chores because men had
stopped doing them. Women became detached from the home because men had become
detached from the home.
Men have stopped showing courtesy. One of the most obvious
places we see a lack of courtesy is on the internet, in the unrestrained manner
in which people address each other. The virtual world is not a virtual world as
people type things to their onscreen adversaries that they would never say to a
person sitting across the table. At least not yet: there is nothing to stop
this behaviour from carrying over into the real world.
Not only are men not behaving like gentlemen on the
internet; they are not treating women like ladies. A man who regards a woman as
no more than a soulless erotic image existing only for his gratification has
become a barbarian, the very thing the good and the gentle knight had to fight
against. We need to bring back these knights. We need to bring back true
gentlemen.”
Perhaps, it is a sense of lukewarmness or complacency or
a sense of indifference that we, as men, have allowed to creep into our lives
that seems to have contributed to this confusion. The evil one has his own
strategy. He does not reveal himself to us directly and overtly. He is far too
clever for that. He comes subtly into our lives, playing on our weakness and
sinful inclinations and convinces us to settle for the status quo, wherein we
succumb to it, thinking that our spiritual lives and the living of our faith
(the bare minimum) are good enough.
To understand the seriousness of this issue, here’s what
Dave McClow, a Catholic counsellor, writer and speaker had to say in one of his
articles called, “
Towards a theology of authentic masculinity”,
“The
Church is losing men! The typical Sunday Mass has about 60% women and 40% men.
Many men see going to Church as women’s work. There are 76% of baptized
Catholics who don’t attend Mass regularly. But if fathers thought that going to
Church was important and went, their children and wives would follow. Fathers
have a profound effect on the next generation according to a census study from
Switzerland. If mom and dad attend regularly, 34% of their kids will attend
regularly. If mom goes regularly and dad goes irregularly or not at all, that
drops to 2% or 3% of their kids who will attend regularly. If dad goes
regularly and mom irregularly or not at all, the percentage jumps to 38% or
44%! This alone should give us pause to look at how to engage men for the New
Evangelization!” It’s thus time for us as men to step up and actively
engage in the spiritual warfare that threatens our families, our Church, our
society and even our own salvation; to be willing to sacrifice all, holding
nothing back. In other words, if I could use a mundane phrase, we are
called
‘to take our game to the next level’ as fathers, husbands, brothers, sons,
uncles, priests or as consecrated singles or those of us who have chosen to
live a life of dedication to Christ in the world.
This would not be possible however without going through
the crucible of suffering. We must learn to take hold of the Cross in our lives
– to open ourselves to the love, the peace and the real joy that flows from the
Sacred Heart of Jesus and to live this reality everyday of our lives. The Cross
is the hermeneutic of male spirituality. It is only when we begin to understand
that gift of vulnerability lived from the Cross that we will know what it means
to be a man of God.
Having said that, I would like to draw a comparison
between St. Joseph and Adam, from the Old Testament, the first man who walked
this planet. Both men have one thing in common: they are silent but the
implications of that silence will have lasting effects on humanity. In the
Garden of Eden, Adam stood by and did nothing while Satan formed his wife’s
conscience away from God the Father, destroying her heart in the process and
unleashing sin into the world. In retrospect, Eve may have looked toward her
husband while listening to Satan’s lies expecting Adam to defend and protect
her, to place himself in the chasm between life and death and to battle Satan,
to defend the purity and dignity of his family. This was not to be. His silence
confirmed his complacency and complicity. Adam negated his responsibility as
‘husband’,
as the man chosen by God to serve, protect and defend all that was entrusted to
him and humankind has lived with the effects of Original Sin ever since.
Furthermore, when confronted by God about what had
occurred, Adam, out of fear, refused to accept responsibility for his actions
and out of shame, blames his wife for his decision not to
‘man-up’.
Adam’s wife, Eve, the woman borne from his side as flesh of his flesh,
following her husband’s poor example of headship and leadership in the family
also refuses to accept responsibility for her actions and blames Satan for her
decision to turn away from God as we find in Genesis 3:10-13. This is not the
case with St. Joseph.
When God revealed His plan of salvation to him, St.
Joseph trusted God. When he woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord
commanded him. Unlike Adam, St. Joseph valiantly served, protected and defended
his Wife and Son as the head of the Holy Family. He is silent but his actions
speak louder than his words. The Gospels give a glimpse into the challenges
faced by St. Joseph as he lived out his vocation as husband and father, seeking
the face of the Lord and finding Him in the pace and rhythm of everyday life.
St. Joseph feared nothing other than offending God and
exercised tremendous fortitude in his protection of Jesus and Mary. Fortitude
is a cardinal virtue that strengthens the will and gives a person courage and a
firm resolve to do God’s will, even in the midst of great suffering. The root
word of
“courage” comes from the Latin word
‘cor’ meaning
‘heart’.
To be courageous is to love the good more than you fear evil and suffering. The
courageous man is stout-hearted, bold and brave in the midst of trials. It took
courage for St. Joseph to take his family into enemy territory (Egypt). Egypt
was a land notorious for thieves, pagan rituals, idols and sorcerers. He knew
that he would need to defend his Wife and Child against physical assaults and
he was willing to do it. No man who is easily intimidated would embark on such a
journey and St. Joseph was intimidated by no one because God was with him. He
was a man on fire with love for God. He may have been poor and of no esteem in
the eyes of the world, yet demons feared the courageous heart of St. Joseph.
Sadly, nothing much has changed today. Just as we see in
the Fall of our first parents as found in the book of Genesis (Gen 3:1-19)
Satan proceeds to devastate the heart of love over and over again in a similar
way and many men not only continue to stand by and do nothing but also actively
contribute to it and encourage Satan’s path of destruction. Satan, who appeared
as a serpent in the garden, comes to us now under the appearance of moral
relativism and laughs in our faces as he shapes our hearts with his lies. Once
again, the response to sin is weak and pathetic: men spend billions of dollars
on pornography and prostitutes. We dull our senses with drugs and alcohol,
actively practicing and promoting contraception, procuring abortion and
engaging in sexual acts outside of the marriage covenant, perpetuating acts of
domestic violence and abuse. Our complacency has led to the separation of love
and life and introduced a culture of chaos, emptiness and death.
There are some men who may think,
“If she is willing
to do it, why is it wrong?” Most guys assume that as long as a girl or a
woman consents, they have done nothing wrong. Without realizing it, many of us
could fall for the trap, sharing the same mentality,
“As long as I don’t
force her, it’s okay.” Yet often, after going too far with a girl or a
woman, we go away feeling empty. We know we have misused our ability to lead.
But the irony is that there are plenty of girls and women who actually
pressurize the guy. Opportunities like this are the most difficult to resist
because immediate gratification awaits you and all you need to do is go along.
It is at times like these when a man’s strength or weakness becomes evident.
When a woman is willing to be impure, the man who loves her must have enough
control over his body and enough concern for her to tell her
“No!” It is
one the clearest marks of authentic manhood: being able to see a woman’s
dignity, especially, when she does not. He knows he has no right to see her
body, even though she has
‘surrendered’ it. A true man will not take
advantage of a woman who does not know her true worth.
Unfortunately, young men rarely hear about other guys
practicing such self – restraint. No guy ever bragged about saying ‘no’
to his girlfriend on his date. It seems that most girls need a reason to have
sex while most guys need a reason not to have sex. Unless we are deeply
convinced of the value of purity, we see no reason to preserve it. But through
the battle for purity, a man comes to appreciate a woman as a gift to be
received, not as a goal to be conquered.
It’s surprisingly rare for a woman to look down on a guy
who wants to guard the innocence of the relationship. To test this, a survey
was conducted among 1000 women where they were asked this question,
“If you
were going too far with a guy and he gave you a kiss on the forehead and said, ‘I
think we need to slow down. I respect you too much to do all this with you and
I want to fall in love with you for all the right reasons’”, would you find
him more attractive or less attractive? Almost 100% of them (996 out of 1000 to
be precise) said that they would find the guy more attractive. One of them said
that this was the case because he was thinking about them and not just himself while
another one remarked,
“I’m not going to lie. At first, I would be thinking,
‘What! What kind of guy says that!’ but then later I would be thinking, ‘I
really like this guy’.” A final question was asked to the women,
“Some
guys fear that being a virgin is embarrassing. How would you feel if a guy
saved his virginity for you, his bride?” Again, the responses
overwhelmingly indicated the attractiveness of purity.
Chastity and purity is also practiced in marriage, in
being committed, loving and faithful to your spouse. Gary Thomas in his book, “Sacred
Marriage” tells us of how some men can view marriage for the wrong reasons.
For example, he speaks about Cherry Blossoms, a matchmaking service that
feeds of the poverty of the Philippines by connecting older American males with
young and sometimes extremely young Filipino women. The men pay to receive a
catalogue titled Island Blossoms which contains photographs and brief
personal sketches of available women. They then pay Cherry Blossoms another
fee for the woman’s addresses all with the intention of finding a woman who
would be totally subservient to him, more like a slave than a spouse.
This attitude is so offensive to the spirit of Christian
marriage that it borders on being nothing but lifetime prostitution. Because
the man has the money, he wants to buy the woman’s services – for a lifetime
instead of for a night but buy them nonetheless. Sex, for such a man, is
something he expects to receive and not something he plans to give. Perhaps it
is not so surprising that one young woman from Cherry Blossom (as noted by the
author, Gary Thomas) complained that on her wedding, ‘it felt like rape’.
The fact of the matter is that marriage give us an
opportunity to serve our spouse in a way that Our Blessed Lord would want us to
serve. However for this to be possible, He has to be center of the
relationship. Deitrich Bonhoeffer explains this in the following way in his
book, “The Cost of Discipleship”. “Christian marriage is marked by
discipline and self – denial … Christianity does not therefore depreciate
marriage; it sanctifies it” which goes to show that the married life can be
as sacrificial as the celibate life.
When I think of the number of divorces happening around, I
sometimes wonder with what intention do people enter marriage, why do couples
split up after spending and being with each other after a couple of days, months,
years and so on and perhaps, the answer lies in the fact that a vast majority
of people do not enter marriage with a view to becoming a servant. The marriage
relationship is often seen as a selfish one because our motivations for
marrying are selfish. But if marriage is understood for truly what it is, it
can be an excellent tool for spiritual growth.
To fully sanctify the marital relationship, we must live
it together as Jesus lived His life – embracing the discipline of sacrifice and
service as a daily practice. In the same way Jesus gave His Body for us, we
ought to lay down our energy, our bodies and our lives for others. Thus, in
this way, family life no longer becomes a barrier but a stepping – stone in our
spiritual growth.
As I write this, I am reminded of Fr. Larry Richard’s
words who wrote in his book,
“Be a man!”,
“Do you know the first
command out of God’s mouth? Be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). He told us
the purpose of sex way in the beginning. Some people say, ‘Keep God out of
my bedroom’
. Excuse me, but God is the one who gave you the ability to have
sex. He is the one who created it; He knows all about how it should be used!
Gentlemen, if Jesus Christ cannot be Lord of your sexual
life He is not Lord of any part of your life. Is Jesus, Lord of your sexual
life? If not, don’t play this game that Jesus is your Saviour and Lord. He is not!
If He is not Lord of the sexual act between you and your spouse, then how can
you say He is Lord of anything else? I hear, ‘That is between
me and my wife’. No, Christ wants to be the Lord of that too.” This in
no way implies that God would feel incomplete if we were not to include Him. On
the contrary, it’s quite the opposite. The more we distance ourselves from God
and choose to live a morally subjectivistic and relativistic life, we are not
being true to ourselves and who we are called to be. Thus as a good practice,
Fr. Richards recommends praying before having sex. This may seem a bit bizarre
but the truth is when you pray with your spouse before having sex, you are
inviting God Who created sex to be part of the moment. Any dog can have sex
which is no big deal but only a true man can share his soul with his wife which
always involves participation in the mystery of God.
Men and women are equal in dignity before the eyes of God
but are not the same. Men and women are different! We are different physically,
psychologically, emotionally and spiritually but we live in a society that lies
to us saying, “In order to be equal, you have to be same.” This cultural
affirmation denies the fact that, from the beginning, men and women are
completely equal in God’s eyes. Since both are made in the image and likeness
of God, neither is denied the particular attributes inherent in their ‘maleness’
and ‘femaleness’; hence there is a fundamental unity within the
complementarity of their being. As we have seen, it is precisely in this ‘one-flesh’
union (Genesis 2:24) that men and women, each in a unique and special way,
enter into communion with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The communion of
body and spirit requires man and woman as two unique and distinct persons (both
endowed with gifts of self-will and self-determination) to become a sign of
God’s love and life; they are two yet one.
What about those of us who are not married? For those of
us who are not yet married or who have chosen to live the single life, we are
called to share our lives with those whom we work with and live with. In one
phrase, we are called to share our lives with those around us. Perhaps a good
question would be is to ask ourselves, “Do others see Christ in me?” Woe
to us if God were to ask us on the Day of Judgment, “Did you bring anybody
with you? Where are your brothers and sisters?” and our answer is, “Oh
Jesus, it was hard enough to bring myself.” We have to realize that we are
people on a life raft and our job is not to paddle away to safety but to pull
other people into the boat also. Fair enough, none of us is perfect but just as
St. Paul would speak about the “Thorn in the flesh” in 2 Corinthians
12:7-10, our brokenness becomes the binding factor in our journey towards our
heavenly home, which is why we all have a responsibility, not only to ourselves
but to others also.
When we engage in the spiritual battle daily, it is going
to be a struggle, it is going to challenge us and it can rub us the wrong way
yet while
‘struggle’ can have a negative connotation as something to be
avoided, it is precisely this that shapes us into better human beings. Becoming
or being holy or leading a spiritual life is not the work of a day or a moment
or a single decision. Yes, God can sometimes work miracles of conversion that
can change a soul in an instant like we see in the life of St. Paul in Acts
9:3-21 yet he later does not shy away in acknowledging the struggles in his own
life as we find in Romans 7:15 and 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 and it is the same for
most of us. In the midst of our daily struggle, we grow by showing up, day
after day. We mature by never quitting, despite frequent falls, discouragement
and darkness as a wise man once said that our spiritual efforts are like so
many zeroes strung together. They don’t add up to anything. But then when we
least expect it, God adds a one in front of our countless zeroes, making our
pitiful efforts more valuable than we can imagine. Take confidence: each
Rosary, each Communion, each confession is bearing fruit, though it is often
hidden from our eyes. By persevering in these things, we are tilling the soil
of our soul so that God can plant the seeds of maturity.
In the spiritual life, there is no such thing as a waste
of time. God sees our efforts and our goodwill. He loves us and by His grace,
He will help us reach our goals. So never tire. Never give up. Keep pressing
on, no matter how fruitless our labour may seem. Show up day after day and
eventually God will raise us up.
Woe to any of us if we think we have figured out
everything when we have made slight spiritual progress or we think we don’t
need the Church or the grace of God in our spiritual journey. Imagine you enter
a room and you notice a violin lying on a table when one of the strings of the
violin has been removed and is laid on the table next to the violin. Our
culture would tell us that the string on the table is free: it is no longer
subject to the
‘rules and regulations’ of the violin and can now do
whatever it wants. In other words, the string is no longer bound by constraints
of the violin (the fretboard, the bridge, tuning pegs and so on) and can now
‘be
itself’. But what is the string now free to do? Absolutely nothing! By
separating itself from the body of the violin, the string has now become
useless.
When we choose subjectivity over morality and the commandments
designed not to enslave us but to free us to love fully and completely, we
journey down the somber path to emptiness and nothingness. We become slaves as
we yield to every carnal desire that makes us feel good, fuelled by the
whimsical capriciousness of the culture. We become caricatures and poster boys
for Satan’s mendacity as he sits back and laughs in our faces.
Likewise, it is for the same reason as to why adherence
to the Church’s teachings, especially in the area of conscience and the moral
life, bears tremendous fruits for men who are willing to give themselves over
in love to God’s law. Having good values is a fine thing but the battle of
morality is not so much about knowing what is right but rather it
is about doing what is right. The difference between knowing and
wanting to do what is right and actually doing it is tremendous. For instance,
many men who commit adultery know what they are doing is wrong but they are
unfaithful despite their values. Right values do not always translate into
right action. Many men want to be good men, husbands and fathers but if the
desire to be good is not supplemented by virtue, it’s very unlikely if they
would move forward. It’s like just because one flies by plane all the time does
not make one a pilot. In order to become a pilot, one needs to have the skill
and knowledge to perform the task. Likewise, living the moral life requires
virtue. Values alone would not suffice.
While the examples of men we find in scripture in whom
God chose to work with fell short and could have lived better (Noah got drunk,
Jacob cheated, David committed adultery and so on), two men whom I would like
to highlight are Peter and Judas. Both lived with Our Blessed Lord from the
beginning till the end of His ministry and yet they still fell. Just because
one spends time with Jesus doesn’t mean he is going to become perfect. Peter
betrayed Jesus yet Our Lord still chose him to lead His Church. There is very
little difference between Peter and Judas except for one reality:
repentance.
Both betrayed Christ but the difference was that Peter repented while Judas despaired
[You may want to check out my other blogpost/reflection,
“Are you a Peter or
a Judas”, https://insightsfromacommonman.blogspot.com/2019/10/are-you-peter-or-judas.html] How many of us despair in our following
of Christ instead of having a life of repentance? When you and I follow Christ
more closely, we are always going to have a life of repentance because there will
be many times when we will fall but we need to get back up and keep pushing on.
Here’s where finding a mentor or a fraternity group or a
friend or a confidant helps a lot. Men by nature are competitive. So when one
man challenges his brother in love to be the man God wants him to be, then he
can grow. St. Paul was the type of mentor to young Timothy and Titus. Jesus had
His disciples around Him. When He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, He
needed His friends (John 15:15) to support Him and be with Him. If Jesus, Who
is God, needs His friends (John 15:15), other men around Him, then who are we
to think that we do not?
Having such a person or such people in our lives is of
great value because it not only helps build a support structure but it also
promotes accountability. Accountability is what helps us stay grounded and
committed to our goals and while no doubt being accountable to one’s self or
setting high standards for one’s self is possible, most often, there is every
possibility that we can slack off and before we even realize, we can be a lot
worse than when we started. That’s where an accountability partner helps, one
who will not listen to our excuses and explanations. You could start by telling
your accountability partner your goal and how you plan to achieve it and this
need not be just in the realm of faith and spirituality but even in other
aspects of your life whether that’s finance, fitness, family goals,
relationship and so on. To go one step further, you may want to have an
accountability partner who is himself trying to reach or achieve a goal besides
holding you accountable where both of you’ll can monitor each other’s progress.
Having the right group of people around us will certainly
help us overcome the various obstacles or challenges we would face and will in
turn increase our mental toughness. So make a list of all the people whom you
trust and you know you can depend on. Strengthen your relationship with such
people and let go of the people in your life who do nothing but let you down or
make you feel worthless. You will be more likely to succeed and overcome big
challenges in your life if you are surrounded by the right kind of people in
your life [in this regard, you may want to check out my other blogpost/reflection, “Genuine friendships” https://insightsfromacommonman.blogspot.com/2019/02/genuine-friendships.html and “It is better to be alone” https://insightsfromacommonman.blogspot.com/2019/05/it-is-better-to-be-alone.html ]
The tenets of authentic male spirituality applies to all
men, no matter their state of life. Priests and religious live out the covenant
union of the marriage feast of heaven, foreshadowed in the gift of celibacy,
right here on earth. The call to celibacy for the sake of the Kingdom flows
from a man’s free choice in partnership with God’s grace. The celibate state,
through which a man consecrates himself to God in a special way cannot be
properly understood without referring to spousal love through which a person
becomes a gift for the other. In celibacy, a man who represents Christ the
Bridegroom, shares this gift with all people who are embraced by the love of
the Spouse (the Church). In this sense, celibacy manifests perfect conjugal
love marked by fidelity to the Church in mutual self – donation. For those of
us who are married, we are called to love our spouses with the same sacrificial
love that Christ has for the Church and for those of us who are single or feel
called to the single life, I would like quote the words of June Hunt who wrote
in her book “Singleness”, “If you are single, for whatever length of
time, your purposeful God has a plan to use this time powerfully in your life.
Don’t miss the beauty of now. God is nurturing the soil of your life so that
you can bring beauty to the lives of others. Bloom where you are planted now!”
In fact if we read in 2 Corinthians 7:32-35, while it may seem that the married
man may not be able to give undivided attention to the service of the Lord, he
can still serve the Lord by loving and being faithful to his spouse and
children. Nonetheless the unmarried man has a slight advantage to the extent
that he is free to pursue the works of the Lord more closely [for more
information, do checkout my other blogpost/reflection “Standing Alone” https://insightsfromacommonman.blogspot.com/2021/02/standing-alone.html]
Ultimately, whether a single or married, I think the
yardstick to measure is how much are we willing to sacrifice and will the good
of those around us. Whether we are priests, husbands, fathers, single men, how
much are we ready, if I can use the phrase, “to go the extra mile”? Selfishness
and self – centredness can creep in, in many ways, which is something I think
we should all be careful about. We must therefore develop the skills to become
excellent managers of our time and resources that must be exercised in accord
with the knowledge and competence we posses and with the consideration for the
common good and the dignity of the people around us, for it is only in
imitating the self – sacrificing Christ that we can ever hope to be role models
and heroes worthy of gratitude and honour [in this regard you may also want to
check out another blogpost/reflectioncalled,‘Quality time’ https://insightsfromacommonman.blogspot.com/2020/05/quality-time.html]
When we as men live out our Catholic faith with fidelity
and joy, then we can be sure that our actions will be worth more than a 1000
words and have confidence that our love for Christ will be written in the
hearts of our spouses, sons, daughters, our parishioners and society. When we
learn to live our faith with passion and conviction, our faith will no longer
become a fond memory that fades from our hearts over time.
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To conclude with the image of the knight once again (as
an addition to what we had seen earlier in this blogpost/reflection), a knight
cannot be brave unless he has love, for his love is what gives him courage.
Whether it’s his love for his queen, his family, his country or freedom, this
driving force overpowers his fear of defeat and death. The knight can stare
death in the face not because he cares little about life but because he
cherishes it. This passionate love keeps him from fleeing the battlefield. In
the same way, a man cannot be pure unless he has love. His love gives him
courage. Because of this love, he chooses a sacrificial path that may bring him
mockery and rejection. He turns down countless opportunities for selfish
pleasure not because he lacks love for women or for those around him but
because his love for them is so strong. He is not pure because he lacks passion
but rather it is his passion that fuels his purity.
It is quite possible for a man to be abstinent by
accident (like a lack of opportunity for example) yet one cannot be pure
without freely choosing such a lifestyle and fighting to preserve it. As tough
and difficult it is, what noble and good thing is not? And what’s the
alternative to chastity and purity? A life of sloth, mediocrity and living for
one’s self? That is not living; it’s merely existing.
In a world that seems to tell us to go with the flow and
to give in to what feels natural, try this attitude in sports and you’ll never
make it to the team; try it in academics and you’ll never attend college; try
it in marriage and divorce will be inevitable; try it as a father and your
children will resent you. We have been made to live for something greater than
ourselves and so in accepting the demands and responsibilities of true love
amidst the challenges of everyday life, we can be assured that we are on the
right path as someone said (although I cannot remember who it was
), “When
you decide firmly to lead a clean life, chastity will no longer be a burden on
you but a crown of triumph.” Will we be like David who gave into his lust
or will be like Joseph from the Old Testament who did not give into the charm
of Potiphar’s wife who tried to seduce him to sleep with her? Will we be like
Judas who chose to despair when he sinned against Our Blessed Lord or will we
be like Peter who chose to repent? I think we have enough food for thought. God
love you! Stay blessed!
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